Binder Program for Those With Financial Need

In need of a binder and can't afford one? My buddy Nick, of The Transitional Male has a program that's been providing binders to those who can show a financial need since 2001! For all the details on how to qualify, including sizing help - please see the note on his facebook page at: How To Qualify for a Binder

Thanks Nick, for doing what you do!

I Miss My Friend

*This will be a long post... please bear with me*
I blog a lot about stuff that pisses me off. I am not a negative person AT ALL, and I don't let the things that piss me off affect my day to day life - probably because I vent here. But I need to be better about blogging the good stuff! And with all the things going on between the lesbian and trans communities, I got a wonderful little reminder the other day, that there are people intelligent and insightful enough to accept the differences and not feel threatened by someone else's truth. I am talking about my best friend for a huge chunk of my adult life, I won't mention her name out of respect for her privacy. We met at work when I was in my early to mid 20s. She was actually my boss. I've always joked with her that the minute I saw her and handed my application to her, that I knew for a fact I would get the job. We looked very much alike, like ridiculously similar in appearance, my Dad even came in the store once and mistook her for me - and it was obvious we were both 'family" so to speak. We became fast friends at work, I admired her work ethic and the way she managed people. I still do. She was, to this day, the best supervisor I ever worked under. We became pretty inseparable, went out A LOT - maybe too much. We were so close, we even went co-shopping together and shared clothes. When I lost my Dad in 1996, she dropped everything to go home with me and help me through one of the two most painful times in my life - I had lost my Mom two years earlier and was still reeling from that. In the summer of 1998, I decided, after years of contemplating, to leave Texas to begin my transition. I didn't feel I could transition in my home environment where so many people knew me. I felt the area I lived in was too conservative, and that it would just be easier to start this journey in a new place where no one knew me. I had known since childhood who I was - I knew from the age of about 21 that someday I would try to do something about it. I had never explained any of this to her. I thought about it, but really never knew how to bring it up. I feel bad to this day, that I didn't. So I moved to the East Coast, and after some therapy and some solid decision making, I decided to 'come out' to my family and close friends. I chose to do this by writing a heartfelt letter to each person and sending it, along with an FAQ sheet about transsexuality. I wanted to provide the information to them in a very non confrontational way, and allow them time to process what I was telling them and not feel on the spot with me. It turned out to be the right way, because I got great responses from it - not one even coming close to her though. I got a letter back from her that meant so much to me, that for years I kept it in my wallet. It eventually got packed away in a box of keepsakes, and my wife and I found it just the other day. It still means as much to me as the day I got it and I would like to share it:

---------------------

9/5/98

Hello there! I hope all is well in Boston! Since I don't have a computer, I must write you back the old fashioned way. So forgive me if this letter gets too messy. I'm not real sure how to get this letter going - I have debated it for about a week. There is just so much to say and so many questions. But I must address this first - I support you now and will support you through your entire process. There is no doubt about that. I just want you to be happy. Like I said in my card, I wasn't surprised. At all. When I came home and told [gf whose name has been omitted] that you were going to write me a letter and explain a big change in your life, she guessed it. And don't be mad, but so did a friend of mine who I talk to about a lot of things. But they were both supportive - they were not judgmental at all.
I truly believe this is the hardest letter I have ever written. You know how hard it is for me to express certain things, just like it is for you. Look, you're my best friend, we've been through a lot of life's lessons together. I think a lot of people may not understand our friendship, but I feel it comes from the heart. We have supported each other in all kinds of endeavors and no matter what, as long as it was what we wanted, and we were happy, that's all that ever mattered to both of us. I'll be honest with you. I have always noticed that you weren't comfortable (I don't mean that in a bad way) and I do believe that you truly want this. I'm just worried about how other people may treat you... other friends, family, people you work with, etc. I just don't want it to be too hard on you. You have been through enough in your lifetime already. I guess what I'm saying is that I really hope it is easier for you to make this change in Boston than it is here. I guess what I'm basically saying is that I'm concerned for your safety. I just don't want people to look down on you or anything. I want people to still see you for the good person you are. I love you and want you to be careful, and I will be here for you, no matter what (I can't stress that enough). You're still my best friend (I hope) so now I just tell people that my best friend is a guy. Man, that sounds weird. That is a big adjustment for me - feels kinda strange. Just bear with me here - I have to get some things off my chest but I don't mean anything personal. I just need to vent and get some things off my chest (can you tell I'm nervous??) I have a tendency to repeat myself. I can't stress enough that I DO support you and I love you, but I have to let you know some things I've been thinking about.
I read all the information you sent me and I even bought a folder to keep it all in. I'm with you! I know you are still the same person but it's really hard for me to picture this whole process. I mean, I'm scared to death that the next time I see you I won't even recognize you. More than anything, that is what keeps going through my mind. Also, I'm kind of hurt that you felt you had to move so damn far away to make this change, without being near all your friends for support. I know you have [the woman I lived with in Boston] for support and I'm grateful for that but I just don't want you to feel abandoned by your friends here. Plus, I felt like you were my sister, almost a twin sister. Now what do I have, a brother? I guess I can just always say I have a twin brother that lives in Boston (ha ha!) More than anything, I'm hurt because you never felt like you could talk to me about this. I know I'm not making any sense. I guess I'm just confused. Like, when I call there, who do I ask for? Who do I address this letter to? Is it all official now? That one pamphlet you sent me said you can petition the court to have your sex legally changed - are you going to do that? Do y'all go to straight clubs or gay clubs? See, I have lots of questions and you know I probably wouldn't ask them all in person.
I would love to come to Boston to see you during all of this, it might help me to get a better grasp on it all. But you know, money! You have to send me pictures or something. You truly have no idea how scared I am that I won't be able to recognize you! I don't ever want to lose you as a best friend. Hell who knows, I may need you to hook me up again one day! I just want you to know that even though I'm full of questions please believe me that I love you! And I'm here for you. I also ask that you'll help me. I'm also glad you have someone like [my roommate in Boston] to help you. You seem really happy right now. If she's reading this, please take good care of my buddy! I really miss you man, and somehow I get this weird feeling that I'm never going to see you again. Before you left, we could pick up the phone, meet for dinner and catch up like yesterday. Please, lets just hold onto our friendship. Promise me! You are one of the few friends I have left from way back since the whole [girl we both liked] incident. Who knows, maybe one day I'll feel the need to get away and I'll move to Boston and we can go pick up women together (of course we must go to a gay bar, sorry).
Well, I think I've spilled enough guts for one day! Please believe me that I'm behind you 100% (even things I have questions about) Be careful. Write back as soon as you get this letter. I'll be waiting for your reply. While you're at it, why don't you send me a new picture of you for my collection of photos. Take good care.
I love you man!

----------------------

I'm happy to report that we are still friends to this day, we did see one another on more than one occasion since I started my transition, and she did recognize me every time, lol. The years and the miles have put a little more distance in our relationship than I'd like, but I intend to fix that :) With the internet now, there's no reason the miles should matter!

And to my friend: If you're reading this - please know that I still love you and still consider you my oldest, dearest friend. This letter was so incredible and your support was (and is) important to me. Some of your fears were right on... I lost some friends, and some family. I did have to deal with some pretty significant intolerance, hatred, and even some threats along the way. But I persevered. And now, 13 years later, I am so happy and so grateful I was able to do this and be true to myself! I am so happy with who I am, I found love, an unconditional, deep, incredible love and I can't imagine where I'd be today had I not followed this path. I am very lucky! I still miss going out with you and I'd still share shirts with you! I am very happy for you and your new love, and look forward to getting to know her. You're proof that this wall between the lesbian and trans communities doesn't need to exist. Thank you for being what's right about our GLBT community! P.S. When I make it back down for a visit, we must go to the BRB and tie one on, for old for old times sake! Love ya!

Trans & Passing

I never really used the term passing. I also never really gave the term any thought, until recently, and I decided I don't like it. To me, it implies pretending... passing oneself off as, etc. No offense to those who use the word - but if you do, have you really thought about what you're saying? That you're passing for the gender you identify with - not that you ARE that gender. It plays right back in to the ol gender stereotypes. Men are expected to look a certain way, and women are expected to look a certain way. If you're trans, and look male/female enough, then you "pass". It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Lately, this seems to be one of the things the trans haters are using to discredit and ridicule the trans community. But hell, I've seen Butches who barely pass for female - including some that could totally pass for male. But if you were to tell them they don't look like women, you'd be called out for being a misogynist. Because Butches should be able to present any way they want to, and not have their gender ID questioned or be forced into a "gender straightjacket" - I agree, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't expect the freedom to be your authentic self and be free of gender rules and regulations, and then turn around and ridicule a transman for not looking male enough, or a transwoman for not looking female enough.
I'd love to see the term "passing" removed from the trans vocabulary. I'd love to see a society in which individuals have the freedom to be who they want to be, and be respected and treated fairly regardless of their appearance or gender.

Houston Independent School District Adds Gender ID Protection

Wow, a story coming out of my hometown that doesn't make me ashamed to be a Texan. The HISD has added protection for gender identity and expression to it's anti-discrimination policy. This measure passed unanimously. The policy already included protection for sexual orientation, and now, with this new revision, Houston has moved ahead of many cities across the US that, in the past, have been considered more liberal and inclusive. This new policy change protects both students and employees of the district.

The policy reads:

Employees of the District shall not discriminate on the basis of or engage in harassment motivated by age, race, color, ancestry, national origin, sex, handicap or disability, marital status, religion, veteran status, political affiliation, sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression. A substantiated charge of harassment against a student or employee shall result in disciplinary action.

In addition, another change to the policy, is that a student found to be bullying another student can be moved to another school in the district.

Way to go Houston!

No More 'Boys' and 'Girls' at Swedish School

I read a story on CNN this morning about a gender neutral preschool in Sweden, that is referring to the kids as "friends" rather than boys and girls. It is an effort to allow the children to grow and play in a non gender stereotyped environment, allowing them to be who they want to be. I think this is a very interesting idea, whether it changes anything in the long run remains to be seen, but kudos to them for their forward thinking!

You can read the full story HERE

Beware of Man Hate (Misandry) Disguised as Feminism

Feminism purports to concern itself with equality - but much of radical feminism perpetuates mistrust, division and hatred between the genders. Respect between the sexes should be a two-way street. I get that it hasn't always been that way for women, I realize that full women's suffrage wasn't realized in this country until 1920. There's still A LOT of work to do, I realize that women still make less than men in similar positions with similar, oftentimes, greater qualifications. I realize that women are victims of violence in greater numbers than men. I GET all that, and I am 100% for equality, and for the misogynistic bullshit to stop. I agree that misogyny still exists - but so does misandry, and misandry is not the solution. With much of the radfem community now, it is evolving into a one-way street where men (bio or otherwise) are expected to be respectful of women (regardless of that woman's attitudes/behavior towards others) while simultaneous disrespect of men is condoned, perpetuated and sometimes even encouraged. I see OVER and OVER on certain radfem blogs, every time a transman gets upset over a nasty post, or shows any defensiveness whatsoever, he is called misogynistic. Yet the women on those blogs say the most vile things back to them, and make broad, sweeping statements about men in general, and that's ok. They refuse to EVER accept responsibility for their own behavior. Lesbian feminists see transmen as becoming one with, and one of the oppressors - as well as caving in to societal misogyny. Countering the skewed opinions of many of these radfems however, many (most) transmen do not abandon their feminist principles when they transition. In fact, many of them become the kind of men a lot of women hope for, and would like there to be more of. We lived for years as women, we know all about oppression, violence, and misogyny. Many of us, myself included, still fight for women's rights, and use our male privilege (a term I wish didn't need to exist) to add a feminist voice among other men. To call all transmen misogynists is hateful, and has no basis in fact whatsoever. The queer community is very divided as it is, whether it be by race, class, age, physical appearance and ability, politics, educational achievement, etc. To further divide it according to individual gender identity/expression is only going to adversely affect political change, and social transformation for everyone in the greater GLBT community. There is strength in numbers - and you can't expect equality for yourself while denying it to another.

Radfems - The NEW Fascists

I just don't get why the origin of a transperson’s gender identity matters at all to a feminist. Honestly. Whether it’s biological, or a reaction to living in a patriarchal gender binary, or something else altogether, transpeople (like gay & lesbians) are being oppressed because of the gender anxieties of misogynists. Newsflash ladies - hating the oppressed because you’ve arbitrarily decided that they aren’t fighting their own oppression correctly, just makes you another oppressor. These rabid radfems are simply misguided, and engaging in the same sort of patriarchal objectification that men engage in against women. Rather than actually listen to transsexuals, radfems tell transsexuals who & what they are, what they are doing and why, and what they should be doing. Just like every power-up group does to whichever power-down group it wants to dominate. The radfem attitude is quintessentially patriarchal in this regard. It is the very definition of objectification. So congratulations on becoming your own brand of Facists.

Gender & The Butch/FTM Border Wars

When I transitioned back in 1996, I don't recall gender being the hot button issue it is now in the GLBT community. At that time, I was very active in a HUGE lesbian community and had never heard anyone refer to themselves as a Transgender Butch. Up until fairly recently, the term TG Butch confused me. Why would someone use both Transgender AND Butch to describe themselves? But then I realized, that like so many others in our community, I misunderstood the term Transgender. By definition, Transgender means:
a person appearing or attempting to be a member of the opposite sex, as a transsexual or habitual cross-dresser.
However, more accurately, in my opinion, it can be described as those whose psychological self ("gender identity") differs from the social expectations for the physical sex they were born with. Transgender and Transsexual are not the same thing. Transsexualism is defined as:
1. a person having a strong desire to assume the physical characteristics and gender role of the opposite sex. And 2.a person who has undergone hormone treatment and surgery to attain the physical characteristics of the opposite sex.
Going back to Transgender, and social expectations... I see now why some Butches identify with the term Transgender. They are women, they don't have a desire to be men, but they refuse to fit into the narrow gender stereotypes put on women by society. I get that. However, not all Butches feel the need/desire to label themselves this way, and I get that too. They shouldn't have to label themselves because of the clothes they choose to drape over their bodies, the way they wear their hair, etc. I think a lot of young Butches get caught up in this confusion, and I agree that, sometimes they feel they should transition, or are pressured to transition based on their appearance or the way they carry themselves. Gender is a narrow social construct. And these restrictive gender roles that society has created don't allow for freedom of expression, leading people to question their gender oftentimes. I encourage anyone questioning their gender to really dig down and find out why they feel the way they do. If it has to do with the clothes you feel comfortable in, the toys you preferred growing up, etc. - it could be that you just simply don't fit into this rigid expectation. It doesn't automatically mean that you're trans, and if you look at the research & the statistics - chances are, you're not. Transsexualism, on the other hand, is so much harder to explain/understand if you haven't lived it. I will try to explain it the best way I can. As early as I can remember, it was a feeling I had, an overwhelming feeling of being a boy. It had nothing to do with my clothes, toys, parents, etc. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a boy looking back. I told my parents when I was 4, that I was a boy. I was told I was a tomboy, and that it was ok to be a tomboy. So I thought, ok, maybe that's it. I really didn't worry too much about it when I was little. I wore whatever I wanted to, which was usually jeans and cowboy boots and the occasional baseball jersey. When I was about 10, I just started telling people I met, that I was a boy. I would often sit and reflect on who I was. I was a very introspective kid. When I pictured myself growing up, I pictured myself as a man. In my dreams, I was a boy. When I came out as a lesbian at 19, it was for lack of any other place to fit in. I hung out with a very large group of lesbians, and quite a few wonderful Butch women, one of them being Dot Thompson, who I blogged about previously. She was a wonderful, strong, fierce woman. But I didn't see myself in any of these women I spent so much time with. I felt like an interloper. It was safe to be Butch, I saw Butch role models every day, I hung out at what was the largest lesbian bar in the world at that time, and still, I felt completely out of place. I hated being called a lesbian, I hated being called Butch, because I felt like a man. I went through over a year of intense therapy on my way to making the decision to transition. It was in no way, shape, or form due to any "trend" - I didn't know one other trans person, male OR female. My Butch friends, after I announced my plan to transition, said they weren't surprised, and that I never seemed quite comfortable with myself. I know I am not, and cannot be biologically male. I'm ok with that. Transition didn't change how I see myself, I always saw the man I am today. All it changed was how the world sees me, and allows who I always was on the inside, to be visible. It isn't about getting a "man-card" or being macho, it isn't about stereotypes at all. I don't work on my own car, I don't hunt or fish, I don't like Spike TV or act like a badass, I don't talk smack about my wife to other men. I like to cook, do most of the housekeeping, I like to go to garage sales, and sometimes, I like scrapbooking. I am not stereotypical - be it male, female, OR trans. I am me, and I look in the mirror and see the same person I always did. Sure, I'm a little hairier and a little bigger, but it's always been the same me. I don't see how I'm a threat to the Butch community, I respect and admire Butches, and although I know some young Butches consider transition a trendy thing to do - I think they're the minority. I also think that this could be better addressed by Butches and Transmen working together to educate the younger members of our community, rather than allowing this wall to grow higher and higher between us. And if you disagree with this, at the very least, stop the unnecessary bashing and spreading of misinformation. No one can/should tell any other person that their gender identity is inauthentic. It's just bullshit. Basically, what I see the trans haters saying, is that a person's gender identity can't be proven/changed with a piece of paper, a revised birth certificate, a doctor's note, or maybe a physical inspection. Proven? Perhaps not, because the truth is, your gender identity is how you feel on the INSIDE, regardless of whether you're Butch or Trans. I don't think anyone enjoys being judged - regardless of who you are, so is it too much to ask to just respect one another's identities, whether you understand it or not? The old adage may be a bit cheesy... but I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated.

How Do I Know if My Comment Will Be Deleted?

Yes, I will delete comments that I find to be mean, insulting, homophobic, containing medical/psychological advice, etc. Here are some pointers:

* If you want to point out that you disagree with transition, keep it intelligent, keep it free of insults, and know that if it contains the phrases 'male medical machine', 'female transitioners' or insults such as tranny, or otherwise insulting trans people, it WILL be gone.

* Likewise, if a trans person posts a comment insulting the lesbian community, Butches, etc, or makes misogynistic comments in general, it WILL be deleted.

* Posting comments with any type of medical advice will be removed. This blog isn't about diagnosing one another, whether it be medically or psychologically. If you're seeking medical advice, I will be happy to help you find a medical professional in your area.

I encourage healthy debate & conversation, and I will not tolerate bullying.

Featured on Paul V's, "Born This Way" Blog

"Born This Way" Blog: Mike: "Mike, age 6 Houston, TX (1975) I was born a biological female in 1969, but knew as young as age 4 that I was 'different.' I didn't have the..."

Radfem Lesbians and Hatred Towards FTMs

This whole rift between FTMs and some lesbians continues on... and I'm coming to terms with the fact that there just may be no end in sight. I want to make it clear that I am referencing only that portion of the radfem lesbian community that is anti-trans, and I realize they are not the majority (I hope!) Some of my best friends are lesbians and I admire them so much. But for the rest, like Benjamin Franklin said, "Being ignorant is not so much a shame as being unwilling to learn." The truth is largely this: a number of radical feminist lesbians hate men and actually seek to make it very mutual. The constant clamor about FTMs and misogyny is just psychological projection, a transfer of their own attitudes onto the opposite gender, whom they despise. However, I do love it when these women (speaking only of those who hate FTMs) finally expose their true natures to the world. They've managed to hide their vileness for long enough - continuously pretending to be weak and hapless victims when, in fact, they can be some of the most nasty and malevolent humans on the planet. 
My main concern is for the younger Butches and FTMs who are still trying to figure out how they fit into not only their skin, but into society. I worry because I know how hard this road can be...  I think everyone has experienced a strong desire to do or be something only to have someone else tell them they can't, or shouldn't, or shouldn't be allowed to. All the insults, the bogus reasons as to why we are incapable of following our aspirations, and the negative reactions we may receive from all kinds of people... what do they really amount to? They shouldn't have an effect on us, because they're ignorant to who and what we are, and what we're capable of as individuals. There's a reason race horses wear blinders... if you're one of those people being affected by this hate trend in the GLBT community, just keep the focus on you and your own truth, and leave the haters in your dust. Peace out!

Randomosity

Wow, you'd think working from home I would be able to keep up with my blogs. Nah. I get so busy doing stuff around the house that I neglect the computer - which in most cases, is a good thing, but I really do want to be better at this blog.

Since I last blogged, I have been elected to the Board of Directors for the Gay & Lesbian Youth Services committee locally, so I'm pretty stoked about that. They really do a lot for the GLBT youth in our area, including weekly support group, social activities, aiding the local HS GSA's, etc. I think this is going to be a very worthwhile thing to spend some time on! I'm a tad nervous as well, being that I haven't worked in this capacity before. I am also looking into volunteering some time in LaCrosse, WI with the GLBT youth group there. We did a family presentation there recently and man, talk about some GREAT kids! I thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with them. I was especially touched by the 14yo lesbian couple who spoke about holding hands at school and the wish I ha sneers they got from some people. But they were so committed to being out and being themselves regardless. I wish I had been that brave at 14!


I'm still passionate about trying to figure out & do something about this rift between the lesbian & trans communities, before we destroy the solidarity we ALL need so desperately to change society. I just don't get it, and I've tried really hard to. I realize that both groups need different things to happen, and I know that we're very different in not only our past, but in our goals as communities. But I also know we want much of the same as well. I'm especially troubled by hearing repeatedly that we were not born trans. The term “gender identity” was co-opted by the powers that be (medicine, society, etc) for the most part, to mean “gender delusion” (“well ok, we'll let you identify however you want,”). I repeatedly hear that lesbians have the same past, and the same issues but that transmen chose to take the easy out, and caved to societal stereotypes. That we hated ourselves so much as non stereotypical women, that we started cutting off healthy body parts, That our transitions are rooted in misogyny, etc. And then even those who claim to be supportive and understanding, still tend to define us by our biology. I wish so badly that I really KNEW how to put into words what it felt like as a small child who was trans, who maybe didn't have the vocabulary for it, but KNEW. I feel like if I could let others inside my head for one day, they'd really GET it. And I always come back to this... whether you really get it or not, where's the basic humanity gone in our community? When did we start turning on one another? 


Why is the intolerance we get from society not enough?

Ready For a New Year!

Wow, it's been too long since I posted! We were so busy with the Holidays that I neglected my blogs. Since I last blogged though, I gave a presentation in the Twin Cities at the University of Minnesota, and it was AWESOME! I loved it... it was definitely the largest class I have been in front of, but they were very attentive and asked some great questions - even a few for Stacy! I also got a wonderful letter of recommendation from the professor who teaches the class that I can't wait to get scanned and put on my speaker site.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and I hope you all have a VERY Happy New Year!

On Growing Up Trans

I read somewhere recently that dysphoria was somehow "proof" that a Transman isn't really Trans... suggesting that if you feel dysphoric about your physical self, then you are truly female, and have been conditioned to feel self conscious by a mysogynistic society. Apparently, a "true" Transman would have grown up feeling different but not dysphoric.
Ok, let me address this as someone who was born female and knew at the age of 4 that he was a boy - as sure as he knew anything. I didn't have the language for it then obviously, had no idea WHY I was being told I was a girl. My dysphoria at that time was why no one could see that I was a boy. There was no body dysphoria, sure, I knew other boys had penises and I didn't. But I didn't really give that much thought at that age. Body parts just didn't matter to me - it was all very simple at that point. I wasn't bothered by my physical appearance, I wasn't forced into dresses, or to wear pink. I was a typical boy, I wore jeans and t-shirts and cowboy boots, dressed as Batman for Halloween, wore Six Million Dollar Man pj's and played with Hot Wheels. My Mom was a feminist for her time, and I was very much brought up feeling like I could be anyone I wanted to be - I was never pushed into stereotypical female roles as far as career interests, etc. So the theory that we felt like boys because of a "femalephobic" society, or being forced into sterotypically female behaviors is just nonsense.
The suggestion that a person who was truly born Transsexual would not feel any body dysphoria and would just be proud to be in the body they were born into makes no sense whatsoever. I wasn't dysphoric about my body until puberty - and why wouldn't I be? What boy would be ok with having breast growth, or having a period? I didn't hate those things because breasts are ugly or women having a period is unacceptable. I hated those things BECAUSE I was a boy. Other boys weren't growing breasts and having periods. Had I been female, I would, like most girls I knew, have welcomed those changes. My ex sister-in-law once told me, after I came out as Trans, that she felt sad that I hadn't learned to love my body and embrace being a woman like she did. I told her that I couldn't embrace being a woman, when I had known all my life I was a man. It always seemed so obvious to me, that I was simply born looking at the world through a boy's eyes, and that there really was no big dramatic environmental/social/mysogynistic thing done to me to make me feel the way I did. It also seemed perfectly natural to me, that I would change my physicality to more closely resemble how I felt on the inside, as soon as I knew that was an option. Sure, I had plenty of people at the time, telling me that I would have scars and I wouldn't look like a perfect man (people still love to harp on this with Transmen) but I wasn't out for a supermodel physique - I just wanted to feel comfortable in my skin and not walk though life wishing my breasts would disappear so that my clothes looked like I wanted them to. Yes I have scars on my chest... and I love them. I choose to see them as my medals. Or the road map to my past, if you will. I am not ashamed of them. I love my chest, and love that I no longer have to think twice when I get dressed and worry about hiding a part of me that never felt like mine. I don't worry about looking like a bio-male, because I'm not. But biology really makes no difference to the heart and soul. I don't need to look like Brad Pitt or some Greek God, because I look like me... and I really like me.

Dot and The Great Divide

Good Saturday morning folks! I don't know about where you are, but it is a GORGEOUS day here! I am excited on this first day of my 41st year, to have our newly remodeled online community almost ready to launch, and to have a new fire lit under me as far as our beautiful community goes! I have been talking with several friends, and my lovely wife about this divide between the Butch and Trans communities, and how it might be bridged. I realize now, that the portion of the Lesbian community that shuns Transmen is a small portion, and that the hate is expressed by a small fringe group. The colors of the rainbow flag represent all the beautiful diversity of our collective communities, and there is room for all of us! None of our issues will be held back or harmed by supporting the issues of others in this community. Sure, some of what we are fighting for might differ at times, but we all want much of the same as well, namely, equality and respect and the freedom to live our individual truths without being told we must follow a checklist on how to "be".
There is this myth that Transmen are "recruiting" from the Butch community and that is so untrue. At least it isn't true for the majority of the Trans community. For me, personally, I respect, admire, and applaud the strong Butch women I have known in my life! Lately, I have been thinking a lot about a particular woman named Dot Thompson. I met Dot when I was 19 years old, and sneaking into bars to be around the community, as well as to satisfy my fascination for Drag Queens. Dot was in her early 50s at the time, and she took a liking to me, and kind of took me under her wing. I hadn't started transition then - didn't even have the language for it. I was trying to fit in the best I could, and at that time, I threw myself into the Lesbian community in Houston, and into the activism. Dot and her partner, Jeanette were like my second parents. I always admired the fact that they had been together since their late 20s. Dot was larger than life, in her double knit, perfectly creased Levi's dress slacks, her pointy toe cowboy boots, and men's short sleeved dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up, and her silver hair cut very short and slicked back. I thought she was the coolest person I had ever seen. She would sit with me and tell me stories about coming out in the 50s, and how the world was so different then, and how hard it was to be an out and proud Butch back then. I thought she was so brave and so fierce. She showed me pictures of her in her 20s, in her jeans and t shirts, leaning on an old motorcycle with that same slicked back hair, only it was black as night then, but in her pictures she had that same strong face, and a devilish look in her eyes. She was young and proud and oh so Butch. Her parents didn't accept her, and she was out on her own by the age of 17. She told me about how she made her own way in life, and that even though it made life harder, how she refused to hide who she was. How could you not admire a woman like that? She was a true pioneer. I hung out at Dot and Jeanette's house every chance I got. Jeanette was the best cook, and I would sit back and marvel at how they were with one another, just like any other married couple. It blew my mind really. They were so different than what I had seen in bars at that point. They were so... normal. When I bought my first motorcycle at the age of 20, a Yamaha Virago 750... I didn't ask my Dad to help me learn to ride, I immediately called Dot. She worked with me for a couple of weekends and then when I felt brave enough that I wanted to ride it the 25 or so miles back to Houston from their house, and all the way to the other side of Houston, she said no. She refused to let me take off on it, I argued, and she scolded the hell out of me then told me to help load it up in her truck. She drove me home and unloaded my bike. I asked Dot for advice on everything from bikes, to cars, to women - and she always had the best advice. She and Jeanette volunteered with an organization called the Royal, Sovereign Imperial Court of the Single Star (RSICSS), they raised money for different charities, a lot of AIDS organizations at the time. So I started hanging out at their shows and fell in love with the whole scene. They put on a lot of drag shows, and I was amazed by the Drag Queens I met through them. Everyone would get all dressed to the nines and have these big formal balls and Coronations. It was so fantastical to me then. And Dot... she would wear these sharp ass tuxedos, and Jeanette would wear beautiful ball gowns, and they looked so regal to me. Those were some good times...

I made the decision to transition in about 1997, and just prior to that I went to see my old friend Dot, who was in her 60s and starting to experience failing health. I hadn't seen her regularly for a few years, as she and Jeanette weren't going out much anymore. I just wanted to be in her presence again, and share what I had been up to and catch up. I was sad to see my strong, fierce Butch role model looking old and tired. We talked, drank sweet tea, talked some more, and looked at pictures and reminisced about all the balls and Coronations and Drag Shows. I told her that day, that she was my Hero and that she had taught me so much. She told me I was like the son she never had. I hadn't even told her that I wanted to transition. When I did tell her, she replied, "I know."  That was the last time I saw or spoke to Dot. On a trip back to Houston a year or two later, I saw Jeanette in a bar I used to frequent, sitting on a barstool so drunk she could barely recognize me. I was so sad. I immediately asked where Dot was, excited, and hoping to see her too. Jeanette told me that Dot was at home with her nurse, and that she wasn't the same Dot anymore and probably wouldn't know who I was. I don't really know what Dot's health issues were - I assumed some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's. I may never know... and I guess I don't need to, because I knew Dot as she would want to be remembered. Strong and fierce. I found out recently that Dot & Jeanette are no longer with us. I am sad, but proud to have been part of their lives.

So what's my point? Well, my point is that I had a wonderful Butch role model in my young adulthood. I knew that there weren't limits on how I was allowed to look, and be, as a woman. The only problem was that I wasn't. I wanted very much to be like Dot for years. I came out as Butch, and tried so, so hard to be cool like her. But I never felt like me. I knew from the time I was very young that I was looking at the world through a boy's eyes. I wanted so bad to fit in with this amazing community I was a part of. But I always felt like an outsider looking in. I was a man in costume as a Butch, walking in a world I felt a connection to, but couldn't find representation in. I didn't transition to leave the Butch community or because I was getting some message that I was "too" masculine or too Butch. I transitioned so that when I looked in the mirror, I would finally see me looking  back. I don't want young, proud Butch women to transition because they feel like they're not fitting a stereotype, because they're too masculine or too over the top in their presentation. I don't want to see strong, fierce Butches disappear. I see Dot in the strong, proud faces of the Butches I meet. I think about how proud she would be to see how far her community has come. I think about Butch Voices, and how amazed Dot would be at the way her community has come together and how far the love and pride has spread. I am not alone in saying that Butches have carved out a wonderful space in this world, and that they deserve our utmost respect and admiration. Dot embraced all the beautiful, diverse representatives of our community. She never hated or excluded anyone, myself included. She would be sad to see any one of us trying to silence another. It makes me sad, because we all play an important part in history. We can all work together to change society. Unrealistic? Nah. The world has changed a lot already, it is changing every day. Marriage equality is going to happen, we have two openly Trans judges, openly gay representatives throughout our government and in the media, it's changing.... it WILL get better... but we can't do it through hate and division and exclusion in our own community

I've heard people ask, "why would someone want to transition and be a straight man, and still be a part of the GLBTQIA community anyway?" I've been told that there is no place in the community for us. Well I can only speak for myself, but I spent a decade IN the community. I have many friends and people I love in the Lesbian community especially. I did the work, I fought for the cause, I marched, I protested, I participated. I am also not, and will never be, a bio-male. I am part of the Queer community. I am a Transsexual man married to a fierce feminist woman who's just a tad more butch than femme, who identifies as Queer - it doesn't get any Queerer than that :-)

7/25/2011 Edited to add a picture I found of Dot! Here she is, circa 1995 :)