I Miss My Friend

*This will be a long post... please bear with me*
I blog a lot about stuff that pisses me off. I am not a negative person AT ALL, and I don't let the things that piss me off affect my day to day life - probably because I vent here. But I need to be better about blogging the good stuff! And with all the things going on between the lesbian and trans communities, I got a wonderful little reminder the other day, that there are people intelligent and insightful enough to accept the differences and not feel threatened by someone else's truth. I am talking about my best friend for a huge chunk of my adult life, I won't mention her name out of respect for her privacy. We met at work when I was in my early to mid 20s. She was actually my boss. I've always joked with her that the minute I saw her and handed my application to her, that I knew for a fact I would get the job. We looked very much alike, like ridiculously similar in appearance, my Dad even came in the store once and mistook her for me - and it was obvious we were both 'family" so to speak. We became fast friends at work, I admired her work ethic and the way she managed people. I still do. She was, to this day, the best supervisor I ever worked under. We became pretty inseparable, went out A LOT - maybe too much. We were so close, we even went co-shopping together and shared clothes. When I lost my Dad in 1996, she dropped everything to go home with me and help me through one of the two most painful times in my life - I had lost my Mom two years earlier and was still reeling from that. In the summer of 1998, I decided, after years of contemplating, to leave Texas to begin my transition. I didn't feel I could transition in my home environment where so many people knew me. I felt the area I lived in was too conservative, and that it would just be easier to start this journey in a new place where no one knew me. I had known since childhood who I was - I knew from the age of about 21 that someday I would try to do something about it. I had never explained any of this to her. I thought about it, but really never knew how to bring it up. I feel bad to this day, that I didn't. So I moved to the East Coast, and after some therapy and some solid decision making, I decided to 'come out' to my family and close friends. I chose to do this by writing a heartfelt letter to each person and sending it, along with an FAQ sheet about transsexuality. I wanted to provide the information to them in a very non confrontational way, and allow them time to process what I was telling them and not feel on the spot with me. It turned out to be the right way, because I got great responses from it - not one even coming close to her though. I got a letter back from her that meant so much to me, that for years I kept it in my wallet. It eventually got packed away in a box of keepsakes, and my wife and I found it just the other day. It still means as much to me as the day I got it and I would like to share it:

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9/5/98

Hello there! I hope all is well in Boston! Since I don't have a computer, I must write you back the old fashioned way. So forgive me if this letter gets too messy. I'm not real sure how to get this letter going - I have debated it for about a week. There is just so much to say and so many questions. But I must address this first - I support you now and will support you through your entire process. There is no doubt about that. I just want you to be happy. Like I said in my card, I wasn't surprised. At all. When I came home and told [gf whose name has been omitted] that you were going to write me a letter and explain a big change in your life, she guessed it. And don't be mad, but so did a friend of mine who I talk to about a lot of things. But they were both supportive - they were not judgmental at all.
I truly believe this is the hardest letter I have ever written. You know how hard it is for me to express certain things, just like it is for you. Look, you're my best friend, we've been through a lot of life's lessons together. I think a lot of people may not understand our friendship, but I feel it comes from the heart. We have supported each other in all kinds of endeavors and no matter what, as long as it was what we wanted, and we were happy, that's all that ever mattered to both of us. I'll be honest with you. I have always noticed that you weren't comfortable (I don't mean that in a bad way) and I do believe that you truly want this. I'm just worried about how other people may treat you... other friends, family, people you work with, etc. I just don't want it to be too hard on you. You have been through enough in your lifetime already. I guess what I'm saying is that I really hope it is easier for you to make this change in Boston than it is here. I guess what I'm basically saying is that I'm concerned for your safety. I just don't want people to look down on you or anything. I want people to still see you for the good person you are. I love you and want you to be careful, and I will be here for you, no matter what (I can't stress that enough). You're still my best friend (I hope) so now I just tell people that my best friend is a guy. Man, that sounds weird. That is a big adjustment for me - feels kinda strange. Just bear with me here - I have to get some things off my chest but I don't mean anything personal. I just need to vent and get some things off my chest (can you tell I'm nervous??) I have a tendency to repeat myself. I can't stress enough that I DO support you and I love you, but I have to let you know some things I've been thinking about.
I read all the information you sent me and I even bought a folder to keep it all in. I'm with you! I know you are still the same person but it's really hard for me to picture this whole process. I mean, I'm scared to death that the next time I see you I won't even recognize you. More than anything, that is what keeps going through my mind. Also, I'm kind of hurt that you felt you had to move so damn far away to make this change, without being near all your friends for support. I know you have [the woman I lived with in Boston] for support and I'm grateful for that but I just don't want you to feel abandoned by your friends here. Plus, I felt like you were my sister, almost a twin sister. Now what do I have, a brother? I guess I can just always say I have a twin brother that lives in Boston (ha ha!) More than anything, I'm hurt because you never felt like you could talk to me about this. I know I'm not making any sense. I guess I'm just confused. Like, when I call there, who do I ask for? Who do I address this letter to? Is it all official now? That one pamphlet you sent me said you can petition the court to have your sex legally changed - are you going to do that? Do y'all go to straight clubs or gay clubs? See, I have lots of questions and you know I probably wouldn't ask them all in person.
I would love to come to Boston to see you during all of this, it might help me to get a better grasp on it all. But you know, money! You have to send me pictures or something. You truly have no idea how scared I am that I won't be able to recognize you! I don't ever want to lose you as a best friend. Hell who knows, I may need you to hook me up again one day! I just want you to know that even though I'm full of questions please believe me that I love you! And I'm here for you. I also ask that you'll help me. I'm also glad you have someone like [my roommate in Boston] to help you. You seem really happy right now. If she's reading this, please take good care of my buddy! I really miss you man, and somehow I get this weird feeling that I'm never going to see you again. Before you left, we could pick up the phone, meet for dinner and catch up like yesterday. Please, lets just hold onto our friendship. Promise me! You are one of the few friends I have left from way back since the whole [girl we both liked] incident. Who knows, maybe one day I'll feel the need to get away and I'll move to Boston and we can go pick up women together (of course we must go to a gay bar, sorry).
Well, I think I've spilled enough guts for one day! Please believe me that I'm behind you 100% (even things I have questions about) Be careful. Write back as soon as you get this letter. I'll be waiting for your reply. While you're at it, why don't you send me a new picture of you for my collection of photos. Take good care.
I love you man!

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I'm happy to report that we are still friends to this day, we did see one another on more than one occasion since I started my transition, and she did recognize me every time, lol. The years and the miles have put a little more distance in our relationship than I'd like, but I intend to fix that :) With the internet now, there's no reason the miles should matter!

And to my friend: If you're reading this - please know that I still love you and still consider you my oldest, dearest friend. This letter was so incredible and your support was (and is) important to me. Some of your fears were right on... I lost some friends, and some family. I did have to deal with some pretty significant intolerance, hatred, and even some threats along the way. But I persevered. And now, 13 years later, I am so happy and so grateful I was able to do this and be true to myself! I am so happy with who I am, I found love, an unconditional, deep, incredible love and I can't imagine where I'd be today had I not followed this path. I am very lucky! I still miss going out with you and I'd still share shirts with you! I am very happy for you and your new love, and look forward to getting to know her. You're proof that this wall between the lesbian and trans communities doesn't need to exist. Thank you for being what's right about our GLBT community! P.S. When I make it back down for a visit, we must go to the BRB and tie one on, for old for old times sake! Love ya!