Dot and The Great Divide

Good Saturday morning folks! I don't know about where you are, but it is a GORGEOUS day here! I am excited on this first day of my 41st year, to have our newly remodeled online community almost ready to launch, and to have a new fire lit under me as far as our beautiful community goes! I have been talking with several friends, and my lovely wife about this divide between the Butch and Trans communities, and how it might be bridged. I realize now, that the portion of the Lesbian community that shuns Transmen is a small portion, and that the hate is expressed by a small fringe group. The colors of the rainbow flag represent all the beautiful diversity of our collective communities, and there is room for all of us! None of our issues will be held back or harmed by supporting the issues of others in this community. Sure, some of what we are fighting for might differ at times, but we all want much of the same as well, namely, equality and respect and the freedom to live our individual truths without being told we must follow a checklist on how to "be".
There is this myth that Transmen are "recruiting" from the Butch community and that is so untrue. At least it isn't true for the majority of the Trans community. For me, personally, I respect, admire, and applaud the strong Butch women I have known in my life! Lately, I have been thinking a lot about a particular woman named Dot Thompson. I met Dot when I was 19 years old, and sneaking into bars to be around the community, as well as to satisfy my fascination for Drag Queens. Dot was in her early 50s at the time, and she took a liking to me, and kind of took me under her wing. I hadn't started transition then - didn't even have the language for it. I was trying to fit in the best I could, and at that time, I threw myself into the Lesbian community in Houston, and into the activism. Dot and her partner, Jeanette were like my second parents. I always admired the fact that they had been together since their late 20s. Dot was larger than life, in her double knit, perfectly creased Levi's dress slacks, her pointy toe cowboy boots, and men's short sleeved dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up, and her silver hair cut very short and slicked back. I thought she was the coolest person I had ever seen. She would sit with me and tell me stories about coming out in the 50s, and how the world was so different then, and how hard it was to be an out and proud Butch back then. I thought she was so brave and so fierce. She showed me pictures of her in her 20s, in her jeans and t shirts, leaning on an old motorcycle with that same slicked back hair, only it was black as night then, but in her pictures she had that same strong face, and a devilish look in her eyes. She was young and proud and oh so Butch. Her parents didn't accept her, and she was out on her own by the age of 17. She told me about how she made her own way in life, and that even though it made life harder, how she refused to hide who she was. How could you not admire a woman like that? She was a true pioneer. I hung out at Dot and Jeanette's house every chance I got. Jeanette was the best cook, and I would sit back and marvel at how they were with one another, just like any other married couple. It blew my mind really. They were so different than what I had seen in bars at that point. They were so... normal. When I bought my first motorcycle at the age of 20, a Yamaha Virago 750... I didn't ask my Dad to help me learn to ride, I immediately called Dot. She worked with me for a couple of weekends and then when I felt brave enough that I wanted to ride it the 25 or so miles back to Houston from their house, and all the way to the other side of Houston, she said no. She refused to let me take off on it, I argued, and she scolded the hell out of me then told me to help load it up in her truck. She drove me home and unloaded my bike. I asked Dot for advice on everything from bikes, to cars, to women - and she always had the best advice. She and Jeanette volunteered with an organization called the Royal, Sovereign Imperial Court of the Single Star (RSICSS), they raised money for different charities, a lot of AIDS organizations at the time. So I started hanging out at their shows and fell in love with the whole scene. They put on a lot of drag shows, and I was amazed by the Drag Queens I met through them. Everyone would get all dressed to the nines and have these big formal balls and Coronations. It was so fantastical to me then. And Dot... she would wear these sharp ass tuxedos, and Jeanette would wear beautiful ball gowns, and they looked so regal to me. Those were some good times...

I made the decision to transition in about 1997, and just prior to that I went to see my old friend Dot, who was in her 60s and starting to experience failing health. I hadn't seen her regularly for a few years, as she and Jeanette weren't going out much anymore. I just wanted to be in her presence again, and share what I had been up to and catch up. I was sad to see my strong, fierce Butch role model looking old and tired. We talked, drank sweet tea, talked some more, and looked at pictures and reminisced about all the balls and Coronations and Drag Shows. I told her that day, that she was my Hero and that she had taught me so much. She told me I was like the son she never had. I hadn't even told her that I wanted to transition. When I did tell her, she replied, "I know."  That was the last time I saw or spoke to Dot. On a trip back to Houston a year or two later, I saw Jeanette in a bar I used to frequent, sitting on a barstool so drunk she could barely recognize me. I was so sad. I immediately asked where Dot was, excited, and hoping to see her too. Jeanette told me that Dot was at home with her nurse, and that she wasn't the same Dot anymore and probably wouldn't know who I was. I don't really know what Dot's health issues were - I assumed some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's. I may never know... and I guess I don't need to, because I knew Dot as she would want to be remembered. Strong and fierce. I found out recently that Dot & Jeanette are no longer with us. I am sad, but proud to have been part of their lives.

So what's my point? Well, my point is that I had a wonderful Butch role model in my young adulthood. I knew that there weren't limits on how I was allowed to look, and be, as a woman. The only problem was that I wasn't. I wanted very much to be like Dot for years. I came out as Butch, and tried so, so hard to be cool like her. But I never felt like me. I knew from the time I was very young that I was looking at the world through a boy's eyes. I wanted so bad to fit in with this amazing community I was a part of. But I always felt like an outsider looking in. I was a man in costume as a Butch, walking in a world I felt a connection to, but couldn't find representation in. I didn't transition to leave the Butch community or because I was getting some message that I was "too" masculine or too Butch. I transitioned so that when I looked in the mirror, I would finally see me looking  back. I don't want young, proud Butch women to transition because they feel like they're not fitting a stereotype, because they're too masculine or too over the top in their presentation. I don't want to see strong, fierce Butches disappear. I see Dot in the strong, proud faces of the Butches I meet. I think about how proud she would be to see how far her community has come. I think about Butch Voices, and how amazed Dot would be at the way her community has come together and how far the love and pride has spread. I am not alone in saying that Butches have carved out a wonderful space in this world, and that they deserve our utmost respect and admiration. Dot embraced all the beautiful, diverse representatives of our community. She never hated or excluded anyone, myself included. She would be sad to see any one of us trying to silence another. It makes me sad, because we all play an important part in history. We can all work together to change society. Unrealistic? Nah. The world has changed a lot already, it is changing every day. Marriage equality is going to happen, we have two openly Trans judges, openly gay representatives throughout our government and in the media, it's changing.... it WILL get better... but we can't do it through hate and division and exclusion in our own community

I've heard people ask, "why would someone want to transition and be a straight man, and still be a part of the GLBTQIA community anyway?" I've been told that there is no place in the community for us. Well I can only speak for myself, but I spent a decade IN the community. I have many friends and people I love in the Lesbian community especially. I did the work, I fought for the cause, I marched, I protested, I participated. I am also not, and will never be, a bio-male. I am part of the Queer community. I am a Transsexual man married to a fierce feminist woman who's just a tad more butch than femme, who identifies as Queer - it doesn't get any Queerer than that :-)

7/25/2011 Edited to add a picture I found of Dot! Here she is, circa 1995 :)