It's Not All Rainbows & Butterflies

So there was this great article posted on Xtra! which is a Gay & Lesbian news magazine in Canada. The article is entitled 'Loving a Trans Man Isn't Easy' and it looks at transition from a partner's POV. The article is very well written, and is not only raw and honest, but brings up important issues that most of the time, are just swept under the rug. I was (am) shocked at the negative comments the author has received - hateful, nasty comments, many of which are from members of the LGBT community. I've heard people talk about this before - how it's not ok for partners of transmen to talk about how it affects them. But listen up people, when you're in a relationship and transitioning, then your partner is also transitioning. How can people not see that these major changes affect BOTH people in the relationship?

I can sit here and talk about the hard parts of my transition, and I can say that some days it's hard and there have been times it sucked. And that's ok. But let my wife say that sometimes it's hard to deal with, and that she has become an invisible lesbian, and that it's hard sometimes, and she would probably be labeled transphobic. It's just bullshit! It's ESPECIALLY hard when transition happens during a relationship. When the person you love starts changing right before your eyes... you have to call them by a new name, use new pronouns, all the while, trying to be supportive because you love them - but trying at the same time to let go of them as you knew them. No matter how much you love and support them, you still have to go through a kind of grieving process for the way they were. And when you try to have a discussion about it, you're accused of making it all about you, or told that you're being transphobic.

My wife had just come out as a lesbian about 2 years prior to meeting me. She may not have had to deal with watching me change, but my transition affected her nonetheless. I was 'stealth' when we met - and I didn't want her "queerness" to out me, so I wanted the rainbow sticker on the car to come off, and certainly didn't want too much "gay stuff" around. So I opened the closet door for her and pushed her right back in. Did I realize that's what I was doing? No. Did I mean to make her invisible? No... certainly not. I love her with all that I am. Did I realize I was causing her to question her identity? No. But I was. And I was insensitive to her needs and her feelings. And who could she talk to about it? If she brought it up to me, I felt defensive. If she were to have brought it up in a group of other transmen or women, they would likely feel a little defensive, and she had plenty of lesbians shun her if they even found out she was with a transman. Not to mention the hetero friends you make - the ones you usually have to hide your true selves from. It's been hard on her at times, and she still deals with a certain amount of invisibility. She looks in the mirror and sees queer - but the world looks at her and sees just another straight woman. So I applaud the bravery of the author of the article - for speaking up and speaking out. Maybe as a community we can learn to stop silencing one another. I, for one, am glad that my eyes were opened.

I'm out as a transman now. I speak at universities and to groups of teachers, etc. My wife is once again free to fly her queer flag all she wants, and put her rainbow stickers back on the car. She is becoming less and less invisible and I'm happy about that. Not everyone is in a position to be out, I get that, but be open and be sensitive to your partner's need to be heard. Don't expect support but not be willing to give support. Transition is hard sometimes, yes - for us AND for the people in our lives.

"It's not Transphobia, it's the TRUTH!

If I had a dollar for every time I see/hear this from within the greater GLBT community - and from an increasingly high number of Butch lesbians, well, I'd probably be able to help a financially strapped transman pay for his chest reconstruction! How do we define 'truth'? Well, Merriam-Webster defines it as:

The state of being the case: the body of real things, events & facts.

Now let's look at the definition of homo/trans phobia: (Merriam-Webster didn't have transphobia listed, as it's a fairly new term - but obviously if you swap out homo for trans, it would be the same)

An irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against trans people.

So, I ask you, whose "truth" are we using? Throwing the word truth around is a slippery slope. They claim that transmen/women can't possibly be truly happy. This an unfounded, unproven, wild assumption. I am very happy. No, I'm not fooling myself, or on a "trans high" - I transitioned over 13 years ago, I think the high would have worn off by now. I know I am not a biological man. I like to think of myself as a biologically challenged man. :) I don't need biology to be on my side to live the life I choose. And I know so many other trans men and women who are happy with their decision, whose lives were, in fact, saved by the ability to transition to the gender they feel more congruent with. This is OUR truth. You don't have to like it. You don't have to live it, but you can't decide what's true for us.

The claims that the trans community is somehow trying to recruit from the lesbian (Butch) community, and that we are pressuring young people to transition, is ludicrous. I'm not suggesting that peer pressure NEVER happens. I'm sure it does. I'm not suggesting that there aren't young people transitioning to be "trendy" - I'm sure some do. But to blanket an entire community with those accusations is unfair - and whether you like the word or not, it IS transphobic.

In closing, I want to reiterate that I admire and applaud Butch women. I love that they're fighting the social construct of gender and throwing out the rules and roles put on them by society. I especially appreciate those who can do that, and at the same time, feel confident enough in themselves not to be threatened by the trans community. The plain and simple TRUTH is that none of us have the right to assign an identity to anyone else, regardless of our personal beliefs/attitudes/opinions/phobias. The sooner we ALL get that sorted out, and stop calling everyone out on their identity and their truths, the sooner we can all work together to rid the laws of this country of ALL discrimination.

Beware of Man Hate (Misandry) Disguised as Feminism

Feminism purports to concern itself with equality - but much of radical feminism perpetuates mistrust, division and hatred between the genders. Respect between the sexes should be a two-way street. I get that it hasn't always been that way for women, I realize that full women's suffrage wasn't realized in this country until 1920. There's still A LOT of work to do, I realize that women still make less than men in similar positions with similar, oftentimes, greater qualifications. I realize that women are victims of violence in greater numbers than men. I GET all that, and I am 100% for equality, and for the misogynistic bullshit to stop. I agree that misogyny still exists - but so does misandry, and misandry is not the solution. With much of the radfem community now, it is evolving into a one-way street where men (bio or otherwise) are expected to be respectful of women (regardless of that woman's attitudes/behavior towards others) while simultaneous disrespect of men is condoned, perpetuated and sometimes even encouraged. I see OVER and OVER on certain radfem blogs, every time a transman gets upset over a nasty post, or shows any defensiveness whatsoever, he is called misogynistic. Yet the women on those blogs say the most vile things back to them, and make broad, sweeping statements about men in general, and that's ok. They refuse to EVER accept responsibility for their own behavior. Lesbian feminists see transmen as becoming one with, and one of the oppressors - as well as caving in to societal misogyny. Countering the skewed opinions of many of these radfems however, many (most) transmen do not abandon their feminist principles when they transition. In fact, many of them become the kind of men a lot of women hope for, and would like there to be more of. We lived for years as women, we know all about oppression, violence, and misogyny. Many of us, myself included, still fight for women's rights, and use our male privilege (a term I wish didn't need to exist) to add a feminist voice among other men. To call all transmen misogynists is hateful, and has no basis in fact whatsoever. The queer community is very divided as it is, whether it be by race, class, age, physical appearance and ability, politics, educational achievement, etc. To further divide it according to individual gender identity/expression is only going to adversely affect political change, and social transformation for everyone in the greater GLBT community. There is strength in numbers - and you can't expect equality for yourself while denying it to another.

How Do I Know if My Comment Will Be Deleted?

Yes, I will delete comments that I find to be mean, insulting, homophobic, containing medical/psychological advice, etc. Here are some pointers:

* If you want to point out that you disagree with transition, keep it intelligent, keep it free of insults, and know that if it contains the phrases 'male medical machine', 'female transitioners' or insults such as tranny, or otherwise insulting trans people, it WILL be gone.

* Likewise, if a trans person posts a comment insulting the lesbian community, Butches, etc, or makes misogynistic comments in general, it WILL be deleted.

* Posting comments with any type of medical advice will be removed. This blog isn't about diagnosing one another, whether it be medically or psychologically. If you're seeking medical advice, I will be happy to help you find a medical professional in your area.

I encourage healthy debate & conversation, and I will not tolerate bullying.

A good 'ol talk with Joe

Yesterday was a great day! We didn't really do much except chillax at home with the kids, but it was just one of those days that was great from start to finish. One of the highlights of my day was a phone call from an old friend who I haven't talked to in AGES! I had reached out to Joe, because I have always thought of Joe as a hella smart cat, and with all his contacts and work in the Butch community, I knew he could help me resolve my feelings surrounding the Butch/Trans divide and boy did he ever! I got some great ideas from him, and just feel better all the way around, about the blog I was wasting my time at, how to move forward, and focus on the fact that the Trans haters in the community are NOT the majority. So anyway, THANK YOU JOE for letting me bounce things off you.
I'm going to spend my time working on our awesome Trans community online as well as networking with it 'offline' - and doing the panels locally and helping raise awareness and educate people wherever I can.
And in honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance, I'd like to share this link to honor those who've lost their lives due to hate.

http://gender.org/remember/

A Call to The Trans Community & Supporters

I tell myself all the time to just stop going and reading dirt's blog. I'm a very positive person and try to keep unnecessary negativity out of my life. For awhile, I did think that was necessary negativity because it allowed me an opportunity to reach out and attempt to educate people - but I also realized that the author doesn't want to be educated, nor does her audience. She truly does just like to stir the pot and create drama, in my opinion, to bring attention to herself. Bad attention is better than no attention, right?

The thing is - she has a right to her [warped] opinion. I believe in free speech, even when it's bad. I am 100% against censoring other people's opinions - even if they're ignorant. I would stand up for her right to speak her mind in her blog. Because I don't want to be told what I can/can't say in my own. If it angers you to the point that you're making negative comments back to her, you need to STAY AWAY, and stop commenting. She's using your comments as fuel for more ridicule and hate speech. And make no mistake, she WANTS the comments, she desires the attention and the drama. Let her and her fans be. Without our participation, she is just preaching to the choir. We are a proud, strong community of survivors and we aren't going anywhere! Her ignorance doesn't affect us if we don't allow it to. So please, stay away from there and stop exposing yourselves to the negativity. And if you must go read (I too, am guilty of the train wreck mentality), don't let yourself get sucked into the comment stream.

More Rampant Transphobia

So for a few days I humored myself, thinking that adding my voice to the mix over at dirtywhiteboi67's hateful, trans bashing blog might make a difference. There was actually some semi-constructive dialogue between myself and  the author. Then this morning, I happened to check things out and found the following post by the author. This hate monger is actually "educating" parents of children who have asked for help because they are dealing with gender identity issues, and turning those parents against their own children. My mind tells me to just never go back there and read, and to just leave it alone... but my heart tells me that this is leading up to some young person out there in a sea of hatred with no life boat because people like this are poisoning the minds of ignorant parents. Following first is the original post, then my comment on the post:

"Actually there is no real proof (other than the say so of "trans" themselves-highly unreliable) that trans isnt anything more than a disorder. There is also no proof that the current barbarism called "treatment" cures trans issues long term. Trans folks like any drug addict will say whatever they believe they have to to maintain a trans lifestyle. We've already seen several parents who because of those post realized what was going on with their daughters and this trans trend and quickly nipped the issue in the bud. 
Several girls lives have been saved merely by passing along visual info already made public. Seems the visual effects is what works best and I've already had quite a few emails asking me to use more visual stimuli to make points. "

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Hate Sucks said: Ok... I did my part. I tried to participate in an open minded, educated discussion - in hopes that the hate mongering and mis-information would stop and we could find some middle ground. But it's pointless to try when the very author of the blog continues to lead the witch hunt, and deny the authenticity of an entire community of people. It's laughable that a few days ago, I believed maybe we were making some headway.

Who are YOU to tell ME that I am not authentic in who I am?? And to refer to us as drug addicts... I don't even take T regularly anymore. I know a lot of post-op transMEN who no longer take T once the desired changes occur. 
And yes - it's a disorder. I won't argue that fact - it's a disorder I was born with, that has an effective treatment. I realize you want to make success stories like mine invisible, but they DO exist. You're sensationalizing the bad examples you come across and mis-informing your readers by telling them that these examples represent the entire trans experience. It's typical hate mongering - much like a great deal of heterosexuals who claim gays and lesbians are child molesters and spreading AIDS all over the world. Or like the people who claim Butches are wannabe men. Or Fred Phelps claiming that AIDS and 9/11 and dead soldiers are God's punishment for homosexuality. You're behaving the same way.

You can empower and support young women a lot more effectively by using real facts and sharing your own personal story without your false judgments and hate speech. You talk about the parents who have written to you, and have refused to consider the fact that they may actually have a trans child - because whether you like it or not, transsexuality DOES exist and CAN be effectively treated - and now if one of those kids actually were trans, you have succeeded in turning their parents against them leaving them alone and without help. Assuming one of those kids actually were trans, they are 55% more likely to commit suicide than any other group. According to both the American Medical Association and the The World Profession for Transgender Health, 
"Gender Identity Disorder (GID) is a serious medical condition recognized as such in both the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Medical Disorders 4th Edition (DSM-IV) and the International Classification of Diseases (10th Revision); and is characterized in the DSM-IV as a persistent discomfort with one's assigned sex and with one's primary and secondary sex characteristics, which causes intense emotional pain and suffering; and GID, if left untreated, can result in clinically significant psychological distress, dysfunction, debilitating depression and, for some people without access to appropriate medical care and treatment, suicidality and death"
Apparently, you have somehow attained some knowledge that these organizations of medical professionals have not... and have found some sort of "proof" that GID is not real. Can you back your theories up with medical and/or psychological research/studies? A medical degree? No... your opinion is based on perceived proofs that are unfounded in any resemblance of truth, and in hatred towards something you clearly don't understand, nor care to. So should one of those kids actually be trans... and have their support system yanked out from under them because of you and people like you - then their blood is on YOUR hands. But that's your karma to live with I suppose.
I realized this morning that you and your faithful sheep aren't open to the truth, and don't care about stepping on other peoples truths to promote your own skewed point of view, so sharing my voice here is truly a waste of time. Sad really... but I'll keep letting people know the truth as I am living it, and let young people know that there is help out there and that they are not invisible just because you say they are. 
I leave you with this... you get what you put out. It's the law of attraction. You want to be accepted by society, you want to be visible, you want equality. You won't ever get those things by spewing hatred and judgement towards others.

I suppose I can use my fortitude and refrain from going to that blog... maybe. But I am committing myself to this fight, I will continue my panel work at Universities, I will attend every function I can and share my message and my personal story, I will do whatever I can in this world to fight for equality and respect. I am not a mistake, I am not invisible. I am living proof that not only does transsexuality exist, it can be corrected, and people do live full, rich, happy lives after transition.