Gender & The Butch/FTM Border Wars

When I transitioned back in 1996, I don't recall gender being the hot button issue it is now in the GLBT community. At that time, I was very active in a HUGE lesbian community and had never heard anyone refer to themselves as a Transgender Butch. Up until fairly recently, the term TG Butch confused me. Why would someone use both Transgender AND Butch to describe themselves? But then I realized, that like so many others in our community, I misunderstood the term Transgender. By definition, Transgender means:
a person appearing or attempting to be a member of the opposite sex, as a transsexual or habitual cross-dresser.
However, more accurately, in my opinion, it can be described as those whose psychological self ("gender identity") differs from the social expectations for the physical sex they were born with. Transgender and Transsexual are not the same thing. Transsexualism is defined as:
1. a person having a strong desire to assume the physical characteristics and gender role of the opposite sex. And 2.a person who has undergone hormone treatment and surgery to attain the physical characteristics of the opposite sex.
Going back to Transgender, and social expectations... I see now why some Butches identify with the term Transgender. They are women, they don't have a desire to be men, but they refuse to fit into the narrow gender stereotypes put on women by society. I get that. However, not all Butches feel the need/desire to label themselves this way, and I get that too. They shouldn't have to label themselves because of the clothes they choose to drape over their bodies, the way they wear their hair, etc. I think a lot of young Butches get caught up in this confusion, and I agree that, sometimes they feel they should transition, or are pressured to transition based on their appearance or the way they carry themselves. Gender is a narrow social construct. And these restrictive gender roles that society has created don't allow for freedom of expression, leading people to question their gender oftentimes. I encourage anyone questioning their gender to really dig down and find out why they feel the way they do. If it has to do with the clothes you feel comfortable in, the toys you preferred growing up, etc. - it could be that you just simply don't fit into this rigid expectation. It doesn't automatically mean that you're trans, and if you look at the research & the statistics - chances are, you're not. Transsexualism, on the other hand, is so much harder to explain/understand if you haven't lived it. I will try to explain it the best way I can. As early as I can remember, it was a feeling I had, an overwhelming feeling of being a boy. It had nothing to do with my clothes, toys, parents, etc. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a boy looking back. I told my parents when I was 4, that I was a boy. I was told I was a tomboy, and that it was ok to be a tomboy. So I thought, ok, maybe that's it. I really didn't worry too much about it when I was little. I wore whatever I wanted to, which was usually jeans and cowboy boots and the occasional baseball jersey. When I was about 10, I just started telling people I met, that I was a boy. I would often sit and reflect on who I was. I was a very introspective kid. When I pictured myself growing up, I pictured myself as a man. In my dreams, I was a boy. When I came out as a lesbian at 19, it was for lack of any other place to fit in. I hung out with a very large group of lesbians, and quite a few wonderful Butch women, one of them being Dot Thompson, who I blogged about previously. She was a wonderful, strong, fierce woman. But I didn't see myself in any of these women I spent so much time with. I felt like an interloper. It was safe to be Butch, I saw Butch role models every day, I hung out at what was the largest lesbian bar in the world at that time, and still, I felt completely out of place. I hated being called a lesbian, I hated being called Butch, because I felt like a man. I went through over a year of intense therapy on my way to making the decision to transition. It was in no way, shape, or form due to any "trend" - I didn't know one other trans person, male OR female. My Butch friends, after I announced my plan to transition, said they weren't surprised, and that I never seemed quite comfortable with myself. I know I am not, and cannot be biologically male. I'm ok with that. Transition didn't change how I see myself, I always saw the man I am today. All it changed was how the world sees me, and allows who I always was on the inside, to be visible. It isn't about getting a "man-card" or being macho, it isn't about stereotypes at all. I don't work on my own car, I don't hunt or fish, I don't like Spike TV or act like a badass, I don't talk smack about my wife to other men. I like to cook, do most of the housekeeping, I like to go to garage sales, and sometimes, I like scrapbooking. I am not stereotypical - be it male, female, OR trans. I am me, and I look in the mirror and see the same person I always did. Sure, I'm a little hairier and a little bigger, but it's always been the same me. I don't see how I'm a threat to the Butch community, I respect and admire Butches, and although I know some young Butches consider transition a trendy thing to do - I think they're the minority. I also think that this could be better addressed by Butches and Transmen working together to educate the younger members of our community, rather than allowing this wall to grow higher and higher between us. And if you disagree with this, at the very least, stop the unnecessary bashing and spreading of misinformation. No one can/should tell any other person that their gender identity is inauthentic. It's just bullshit. Basically, what I see the trans haters saying, is that a person's gender identity can't be proven/changed with a piece of paper, a revised birth certificate, a doctor's note, or maybe a physical inspection. Proven? Perhaps not, because the truth is, your gender identity is how you feel on the INSIDE, regardless of whether you're Butch or Trans. I don't think anyone enjoys being judged - regardless of who you are, so is it too much to ask to just respect one another's identities, whether you understand it or not? The old adage may be a bit cheesy... but I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated.