Binder Program for Those With Financial Need

In need of a binder and can't afford one? My buddy Nick, of The Transitional Male has a program that's been providing binders to those who can show a financial need since 2001! For all the details on how to qualify, including sizing help - please see the note on his facebook page at: How To Qualify for a Binder

Thanks Nick, for doing what you do!

I Miss My Friend

*This will be a long post... please bear with me*
I blog a lot about stuff that pisses me off. I am not a negative person AT ALL, and I don't let the things that piss me off affect my day to day life - probably because I vent here. But I need to be better about blogging the good stuff! And with all the things going on between the lesbian and trans communities, I got a wonderful little reminder the other day, that there are people intelligent and insightful enough to accept the differences and not feel threatened by someone else's truth. I am talking about my best friend for a huge chunk of my adult life, I won't mention her name out of respect for her privacy. We met at work when I was in my early to mid 20s. She was actually my boss. I've always joked with her that the minute I saw her and handed my application to her, that I knew for a fact I would get the job. We looked very much alike, like ridiculously similar in appearance, my Dad even came in the store once and mistook her for me - and it was obvious we were both 'family" so to speak. We became fast friends at work, I admired her work ethic and the way she managed people. I still do. She was, to this day, the best supervisor I ever worked under. We became pretty inseparable, went out A LOT - maybe too much. We were so close, we even went co-shopping together and shared clothes. When I lost my Dad in 1996, she dropped everything to go home with me and help me through one of the two most painful times in my life - I had lost my Mom two years earlier and was still reeling from that. In the summer of 1998, I decided, after years of contemplating, to leave Texas to begin my transition. I didn't feel I could transition in my home environment where so many people knew me. I felt the area I lived in was too conservative, and that it would just be easier to start this journey in a new place where no one knew me. I had known since childhood who I was - I knew from the age of about 21 that someday I would try to do something about it. I had never explained any of this to her. I thought about it, but really never knew how to bring it up. I feel bad to this day, that I didn't. So I moved to the East Coast, and after some therapy and some solid decision making, I decided to 'come out' to my family and close friends. I chose to do this by writing a heartfelt letter to each person and sending it, along with an FAQ sheet about transsexuality. I wanted to provide the information to them in a very non confrontational way, and allow them time to process what I was telling them and not feel on the spot with me. It turned out to be the right way, because I got great responses from it - not one even coming close to her though. I got a letter back from her that meant so much to me, that for years I kept it in my wallet. It eventually got packed away in a box of keepsakes, and my wife and I found it just the other day. It still means as much to me as the day I got it and I would like to share it:

---------------------

9/5/98

Hello there! I hope all is well in Boston! Since I don't have a computer, I must write you back the old fashioned way. So forgive me if this letter gets too messy. I'm not real sure how to get this letter going - I have debated it for about a week. There is just so much to say and so many questions. But I must address this first - I support you now and will support you through your entire process. There is no doubt about that. I just want you to be happy. Like I said in my card, I wasn't surprised. At all. When I came home and told [gf whose name has been omitted] that you were going to write me a letter and explain a big change in your life, she guessed it. And don't be mad, but so did a friend of mine who I talk to about a lot of things. But they were both supportive - they were not judgmental at all.
I truly believe this is the hardest letter I have ever written. You know how hard it is for me to express certain things, just like it is for you. Look, you're my best friend, we've been through a lot of life's lessons together. I think a lot of people may not understand our friendship, but I feel it comes from the heart. We have supported each other in all kinds of endeavors and no matter what, as long as it was what we wanted, and we were happy, that's all that ever mattered to both of us. I'll be honest with you. I have always noticed that you weren't comfortable (I don't mean that in a bad way) and I do believe that you truly want this. I'm just worried about how other people may treat you... other friends, family, people you work with, etc. I just don't want it to be too hard on you. You have been through enough in your lifetime already. I guess what I'm saying is that I really hope it is easier for you to make this change in Boston than it is here. I guess what I'm basically saying is that I'm concerned for your safety. I just don't want people to look down on you or anything. I want people to still see you for the good person you are. I love you and want you to be careful, and I will be here for you, no matter what (I can't stress that enough). You're still my best friend (I hope) so now I just tell people that my best friend is a guy. Man, that sounds weird. That is a big adjustment for me - feels kinda strange. Just bear with me here - I have to get some things off my chest but I don't mean anything personal. I just need to vent and get some things off my chest (can you tell I'm nervous??) I have a tendency to repeat myself. I can't stress enough that I DO support you and I love you, but I have to let you know some things I've been thinking about.
I read all the information you sent me and I even bought a folder to keep it all in. I'm with you! I know you are still the same person but it's really hard for me to picture this whole process. I mean, I'm scared to death that the next time I see you I won't even recognize you. More than anything, that is what keeps going through my mind. Also, I'm kind of hurt that you felt you had to move so damn far away to make this change, without being near all your friends for support. I know you have [the woman I lived with in Boston] for support and I'm grateful for that but I just don't want you to feel abandoned by your friends here. Plus, I felt like you were my sister, almost a twin sister. Now what do I have, a brother? I guess I can just always say I have a twin brother that lives in Boston (ha ha!) More than anything, I'm hurt because you never felt like you could talk to me about this. I know I'm not making any sense. I guess I'm just confused. Like, when I call there, who do I ask for? Who do I address this letter to? Is it all official now? That one pamphlet you sent me said you can petition the court to have your sex legally changed - are you going to do that? Do y'all go to straight clubs or gay clubs? See, I have lots of questions and you know I probably wouldn't ask them all in person.
I would love to come to Boston to see you during all of this, it might help me to get a better grasp on it all. But you know, money! You have to send me pictures or something. You truly have no idea how scared I am that I won't be able to recognize you! I don't ever want to lose you as a best friend. Hell who knows, I may need you to hook me up again one day! I just want you to know that even though I'm full of questions please believe me that I love you! And I'm here for you. I also ask that you'll help me. I'm also glad you have someone like [my roommate in Boston] to help you. You seem really happy right now. If she's reading this, please take good care of my buddy! I really miss you man, and somehow I get this weird feeling that I'm never going to see you again. Before you left, we could pick up the phone, meet for dinner and catch up like yesterday. Please, lets just hold onto our friendship. Promise me! You are one of the few friends I have left from way back since the whole [girl we both liked] incident. Who knows, maybe one day I'll feel the need to get away and I'll move to Boston and we can go pick up women together (of course we must go to a gay bar, sorry).
Well, I think I've spilled enough guts for one day! Please believe me that I'm behind you 100% (even things I have questions about) Be careful. Write back as soon as you get this letter. I'll be waiting for your reply. While you're at it, why don't you send me a new picture of you for my collection of photos. Take good care.
I love you man!

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I'm happy to report that we are still friends to this day, we did see one another on more than one occasion since I started my transition, and she did recognize me every time, lol. The years and the miles have put a little more distance in our relationship than I'd like, but I intend to fix that :) With the internet now, there's no reason the miles should matter!

And to my friend: If you're reading this - please know that I still love you and still consider you my oldest, dearest friend. This letter was so incredible and your support was (and is) important to me. Some of your fears were right on... I lost some friends, and some family. I did have to deal with some pretty significant intolerance, hatred, and even some threats along the way. But I persevered. And now, 13 years later, I am so happy and so grateful I was able to do this and be true to myself! I am so happy with who I am, I found love, an unconditional, deep, incredible love and I can't imagine where I'd be today had I not followed this path. I am very lucky! I still miss going out with you and I'd still share shirts with you! I am very happy for you and your new love, and look forward to getting to know her. You're proof that this wall between the lesbian and trans communities doesn't need to exist. Thank you for being what's right about our GLBT community! P.S. When I make it back down for a visit, we must go to the BRB and tie one on, for old for old times sake! Love ya!

Trans & Passing

I never really used the term passing. I also never really gave the term any thought, until recently, and I decided I don't like it. To me, it implies pretending... passing oneself off as, etc. No offense to those who use the word - but if you do, have you really thought about what you're saying? That you're passing for the gender you identify with - not that you ARE that gender. It plays right back in to the ol gender stereotypes. Men are expected to look a certain way, and women are expected to look a certain way. If you're trans, and look male/female enough, then you "pass". It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Lately, this seems to be one of the things the trans haters are using to discredit and ridicule the trans community. But hell, I've seen Butches who barely pass for female - including some that could totally pass for male. But if you were to tell them they don't look like women, you'd be called out for being a misogynist. Because Butches should be able to present any way they want to, and not have their gender ID questioned or be forced into a "gender straightjacket" - I agree, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't expect the freedom to be your authentic self and be free of gender rules and regulations, and then turn around and ridicule a transman for not looking male enough, or a transwoman for not looking female enough.
I'd love to see the term "passing" removed from the trans vocabulary. I'd love to see a society in which individuals have the freedom to be who they want to be, and be respected and treated fairly regardless of their appearance or gender.

Houston Independent School District Adds Gender ID Protection

Wow, a story coming out of my hometown that doesn't make me ashamed to be a Texan. The HISD has added protection for gender identity and expression to it's anti-discrimination policy. This measure passed unanimously. The policy already included protection for sexual orientation, and now, with this new revision, Houston has moved ahead of many cities across the US that, in the past, have been considered more liberal and inclusive. This new policy change protects both students and employees of the district.

The policy reads:

Employees of the District shall not discriminate on the basis of or engage in harassment motivated by age, race, color, ancestry, national origin, sex, handicap or disability, marital status, religion, veteran status, political affiliation, sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression. A substantiated charge of harassment against a student or employee shall result in disciplinary action.

In addition, another change to the policy, is that a student found to be bullying another student can be moved to another school in the district.

Way to go Houston!

No More 'Boys' and 'Girls' at Swedish School

I read a story on CNN this morning about a gender neutral preschool in Sweden, that is referring to the kids as "friends" rather than boys and girls. It is an effort to allow the children to grow and play in a non gender stereotyped environment, allowing them to be who they want to be. I think this is a very interesting idea, whether it changes anything in the long run remains to be seen, but kudos to them for their forward thinking!

You can read the full story HERE

Beware of Man Hate (Misandry) Disguised as Feminism

Feminism purports to concern itself with equality - but much of radical feminism perpetuates mistrust, division and hatred between the genders. Respect between the sexes should be a two-way street. I get that it hasn't always been that way for women, I realize that full women's suffrage wasn't realized in this country until 1920. There's still A LOT of work to do, I realize that women still make less than men in similar positions with similar, oftentimes, greater qualifications. I realize that women are victims of violence in greater numbers than men. I GET all that, and I am 100% for equality, and for the misogynistic bullshit to stop. I agree that misogyny still exists - but so does misandry, and misandry is not the solution. With much of the radfem community now, it is evolving into a one-way street where men (bio or otherwise) are expected to be respectful of women (regardless of that woman's attitudes/behavior towards others) while simultaneous disrespect of men is condoned, perpetuated and sometimes even encouraged. I see OVER and OVER on certain radfem blogs, every time a transman gets upset over a nasty post, or shows any defensiveness whatsoever, he is called misogynistic. Yet the women on those blogs say the most vile things back to them, and make broad, sweeping statements about men in general, and that's ok. They refuse to EVER accept responsibility for their own behavior. Lesbian feminists see transmen as becoming one with, and one of the oppressors - as well as caving in to societal misogyny. Countering the skewed opinions of many of these radfems however, many (most) transmen do not abandon their feminist principles when they transition. In fact, many of them become the kind of men a lot of women hope for, and would like there to be more of. We lived for years as women, we know all about oppression, violence, and misogyny. Many of us, myself included, still fight for women's rights, and use our male privilege (a term I wish didn't need to exist) to add a feminist voice among other men. To call all transmen misogynists is hateful, and has no basis in fact whatsoever. The queer community is very divided as it is, whether it be by race, class, age, physical appearance and ability, politics, educational achievement, etc. To further divide it according to individual gender identity/expression is only going to adversely affect political change, and social transformation for everyone in the greater GLBT community. There is strength in numbers - and you can't expect equality for yourself while denying it to another.

Radfems - The NEW Fascists

I just don't get why the origin of a transperson’s gender identity matters at all to a feminist. Honestly. Whether it’s biological, or a reaction to living in a patriarchal gender binary, or something else altogether, transpeople (like gay & lesbians) are being oppressed because of the gender anxieties of misogynists. Newsflash ladies - hating the oppressed because you’ve arbitrarily decided that they aren’t fighting their own oppression correctly, just makes you another oppressor. These rabid radfems are simply misguided, and engaging in the same sort of patriarchal objectification that men engage in against women. Rather than actually listen to transsexuals, radfems tell transsexuals who & what they are, what they are doing and why, and what they should be doing. Just like every power-up group does to whichever power-down group it wants to dominate. The radfem attitude is quintessentially patriarchal in this regard. It is the very definition of objectification. So congratulations on becoming your own brand of Facists.

Gender & The Butch/FTM Border Wars

When I transitioned back in 1996, I don't recall gender being the hot button issue it is now in the GLBT community. At that time, I was very active in a HUGE lesbian community and had never heard anyone refer to themselves as a Transgender Butch. Up until fairly recently, the term TG Butch confused me. Why would someone use both Transgender AND Butch to describe themselves? But then I realized, that like so many others in our community, I misunderstood the term Transgender. By definition, Transgender means:
a person appearing or attempting to be a member of the opposite sex, as a transsexual or habitual cross-dresser.
However, more accurately, in my opinion, it can be described as those whose psychological self ("gender identity") differs from the social expectations for the physical sex they were born with. Transgender and Transsexual are not the same thing. Transsexualism is defined as:
1. a person having a strong desire to assume the physical characteristics and gender role of the opposite sex. And 2.a person who has undergone hormone treatment and surgery to attain the physical characteristics of the opposite sex.
Going back to Transgender, and social expectations... I see now why some Butches identify with the term Transgender. They are women, they don't have a desire to be men, but they refuse to fit into the narrow gender stereotypes put on women by society. I get that. However, not all Butches feel the need/desire to label themselves this way, and I get that too. They shouldn't have to label themselves because of the clothes they choose to drape over their bodies, the way they wear their hair, etc. I think a lot of young Butches get caught up in this confusion, and I agree that, sometimes they feel they should transition, or are pressured to transition based on their appearance or the way they carry themselves. Gender is a narrow social construct. And these restrictive gender roles that society has created don't allow for freedom of expression, leading people to question their gender oftentimes. I encourage anyone questioning their gender to really dig down and find out why they feel the way they do. If it has to do with the clothes you feel comfortable in, the toys you preferred growing up, etc. - it could be that you just simply don't fit into this rigid expectation. It doesn't automatically mean that you're trans, and if you look at the research & the statistics - chances are, you're not. Transsexualism, on the other hand, is so much harder to explain/understand if you haven't lived it. I will try to explain it the best way I can. As early as I can remember, it was a feeling I had, an overwhelming feeling of being a boy. It had nothing to do with my clothes, toys, parents, etc. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a boy looking back. I told my parents when I was 4, that I was a boy. I was told I was a tomboy, and that it was ok to be a tomboy. So I thought, ok, maybe that's it. I really didn't worry too much about it when I was little. I wore whatever I wanted to, which was usually jeans and cowboy boots and the occasional baseball jersey. When I was about 10, I just started telling people I met, that I was a boy. I would often sit and reflect on who I was. I was a very introspective kid. When I pictured myself growing up, I pictured myself as a man. In my dreams, I was a boy. When I came out as a lesbian at 19, it was for lack of any other place to fit in. I hung out with a very large group of lesbians, and quite a few wonderful Butch women, one of them being Dot Thompson, who I blogged about previously. She was a wonderful, strong, fierce woman. But I didn't see myself in any of these women I spent so much time with. I felt like an interloper. It was safe to be Butch, I saw Butch role models every day, I hung out at what was the largest lesbian bar in the world at that time, and still, I felt completely out of place. I hated being called a lesbian, I hated being called Butch, because I felt like a man. I went through over a year of intense therapy on my way to making the decision to transition. It was in no way, shape, or form due to any "trend" - I didn't know one other trans person, male OR female. My Butch friends, after I announced my plan to transition, said they weren't surprised, and that I never seemed quite comfortable with myself. I know I am not, and cannot be biologically male. I'm ok with that. Transition didn't change how I see myself, I always saw the man I am today. All it changed was how the world sees me, and allows who I always was on the inside, to be visible. It isn't about getting a "man-card" or being macho, it isn't about stereotypes at all. I don't work on my own car, I don't hunt or fish, I don't like Spike TV or act like a badass, I don't talk smack about my wife to other men. I like to cook, do most of the housekeeping, I like to go to garage sales, and sometimes, I like scrapbooking. I am not stereotypical - be it male, female, OR trans. I am me, and I look in the mirror and see the same person I always did. Sure, I'm a little hairier and a little bigger, but it's always been the same me. I don't see how I'm a threat to the Butch community, I respect and admire Butches, and although I know some young Butches consider transition a trendy thing to do - I think they're the minority. I also think that this could be better addressed by Butches and Transmen working together to educate the younger members of our community, rather than allowing this wall to grow higher and higher between us. And if you disagree with this, at the very least, stop the unnecessary bashing and spreading of misinformation. No one can/should tell any other person that their gender identity is inauthentic. It's just bullshit. Basically, what I see the trans haters saying, is that a person's gender identity can't be proven/changed with a piece of paper, a revised birth certificate, a doctor's note, or maybe a physical inspection. Proven? Perhaps not, because the truth is, your gender identity is how you feel on the INSIDE, regardless of whether you're Butch or Trans. I don't think anyone enjoys being judged - regardless of who you are, so is it too much to ask to just respect one another's identities, whether you understand it or not? The old adage may be a bit cheesy... but I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated.

How Do I Know if My Comment Will Be Deleted?

Yes, I will delete comments that I find to be mean, insulting, homophobic, containing medical/psychological advice, etc. Here are some pointers:

* If you want to point out that you disagree with transition, keep it intelligent, keep it free of insults, and know that if it contains the phrases 'male medical machine', 'female transitioners' or insults such as tranny, or otherwise insulting trans people, it WILL be gone.

* Likewise, if a trans person posts a comment insulting the lesbian community, Butches, etc, or makes misogynistic comments in general, it WILL be deleted.

* Posting comments with any type of medical advice will be removed. This blog isn't about diagnosing one another, whether it be medically or psychologically. If you're seeking medical advice, I will be happy to help you find a medical professional in your area.

I encourage healthy debate & conversation, and I will not tolerate bullying.

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