It's Not All Rainbows & Butterflies

So there was this great article posted on Xtra! which is a Gay & Lesbian news magazine in Canada. The article is entitled 'Loving a Trans Man Isn't Easy' and it looks at transition from a partner's POV. The article is very well written, and is not only raw and honest, but brings up important issues that most of the time, are just swept under the rug. I was (am) shocked at the negative comments the author has received - hateful, nasty comments, many of which are from members of the LGBT community. I've heard people talk about this before - how it's not ok for partners of transmen to talk about how it affects them. But listen up people, when you're in a relationship and transitioning, then your partner is also transitioning. How can people not see that these major changes affect BOTH people in the relationship?

I can sit here and talk about the hard parts of my transition, and I can say that some days it's hard and there have been times it sucked. And that's ok. But let my wife say that sometimes it's hard to deal with, and that she has become an invisible lesbian, and that it's hard sometimes, and she would probably be labeled transphobic. It's just bullshit! It's ESPECIALLY hard when transition happens during a relationship. When the person you love starts changing right before your eyes... you have to call them by a new name, use new pronouns, all the while, trying to be supportive because you love them - but trying at the same time to let go of them as you knew them. No matter how much you love and support them, you still have to go through a kind of grieving process for the way they were. And when you try to have a discussion about it, you're accused of making it all about you, or told that you're being transphobic.

My wife had just come out as a lesbian about 2 years prior to meeting me. She may not have had to deal with watching me change, but my transition affected her nonetheless. I was 'stealth' when we met - and I didn't want her "queerness" to out me, so I wanted the rainbow sticker on the car to come off, and certainly didn't want too much "gay stuff" around. So I opened the closet door for her and pushed her right back in. Did I realize that's what I was doing? No. Did I mean to make her invisible? No... certainly not. I love her with all that I am. Did I realize I was causing her to question her identity? No. But I was. And I was insensitive to her needs and her feelings. And who could she talk to about it? If she brought it up to me, I felt defensive. If she were to have brought it up in a group of other transmen or women, they would likely feel a little defensive, and she had plenty of lesbians shun her if they even found out she was with a transman. Not to mention the hetero friends you make - the ones you usually have to hide your true selves from. It's been hard on her at times, and she still deals with a certain amount of invisibility. She looks in the mirror and sees queer - but the world looks at her and sees just another straight woman. So I applaud the bravery of the author of the article - for speaking up and speaking out. Maybe as a community we can learn to stop silencing one another. I, for one, am glad that my eyes were opened.

I'm out as a transman now. I speak at universities and to groups of teachers, etc. My wife is once again free to fly her queer flag all she wants, and put her rainbow stickers back on the car. She is becoming less and less invisible and I'm happy about that. Not everyone is in a position to be out, I get that, but be open and be sensitive to your partner's need to be heard. Don't expect support but not be willing to give support. Transition is hard sometimes, yes - for us AND for the people in our lives.