On Growing Up Trans

I read somewhere recently that dysphoria was somehow "proof" that a Transman isn't really Trans... suggesting that if you feel dysphoric about your physical self, then you are truly female, and have been conditioned to feel self conscious by a mysogynistic society. Apparently, a "true" Transman would have grown up feeling different but not dysphoric.
Ok, let me address this as someone who was born female and knew at the age of 4 that he was a boy - as sure as he knew anything. I didn't have the language for it then obviously, had no idea WHY I was being told I was a girl. My dysphoria at that time was why no one could see that I was a boy. There was no body dysphoria, sure, I knew other boys had penises and I didn't. But I didn't really give that much thought at that age. Body parts just didn't matter to me - it was all very simple at that point. I wasn't bothered by my physical appearance, I wasn't forced into dresses, or to wear pink. I was a typical boy, I wore jeans and t-shirts and cowboy boots, dressed as Batman for Halloween, wore Six Million Dollar Man pj's and played with Hot Wheels. My Mom was a feminist for her time, and I was very much brought up feeling like I could be anyone I wanted to be - I was never pushed into stereotypical female roles as far as career interests, etc. So the theory that we felt like boys because of a "femalephobic" society, or being forced into sterotypically female behaviors is just nonsense.
The suggestion that a person who was truly born Transsexual would not feel any body dysphoria and would just be proud to be in the body they were born into makes no sense whatsoever. I wasn't dysphoric about my body until puberty - and why wouldn't I be? What boy would be ok with having breast growth, or having a period? I didn't hate those things because breasts are ugly or women having a period is unacceptable. I hated those things BECAUSE I was a boy. Other boys weren't growing breasts and having periods. Had I been female, I would, like most girls I knew, have welcomed those changes. My ex sister-in-law once told me, after I came out as Trans, that she felt sad that I hadn't learned to love my body and embrace being a woman like she did. I told her that I couldn't embrace being a woman, when I had known all my life I was a man. It always seemed so obvious to me, that I was simply born looking at the world through a boy's eyes, and that there really was no big dramatic environmental/social/mysogynistic thing done to me to make me feel the way I did. It also seemed perfectly natural to me, that I would change my physicality to more closely resemble how I felt on the inside, as soon as I knew that was an option. Sure, I had plenty of people at the time, telling me that I would have scars and I wouldn't look like a perfect man (people still love to harp on this with Transmen) but I wasn't out for a supermodel physique - I just wanted to feel comfortable in my skin and not walk though life wishing my breasts would disappear so that my clothes looked like I wanted them to. Yes I have scars on my chest... and I love them. I choose to see them as my medals. Or the road map to my past, if you will. I am not ashamed of them. I love my chest, and love that I no longer have to think twice when I get dressed and worry about hiding a part of me that never felt like mine. I don't worry about looking like a bio-male, because I'm not. But biology really makes no difference to the heart and soul. I don't need to look like Brad Pitt or some Greek God, because I look like me... and I really like me.

Dot and The Great Divide

Good Saturday morning folks! I don't know about where you are, but it is a GORGEOUS day here! I am excited on this first day of my 41st year, to have our newly remodeled online community almost ready to launch, and to have a new fire lit under me as far as our beautiful community goes! I have been talking with several friends, and my lovely wife about this divide between the Butch and Trans communities, and how it might be bridged. I realize now, that the portion of the Lesbian community that shuns Transmen is a small portion, and that the hate is expressed by a small fringe group. The colors of the rainbow flag represent all the beautiful diversity of our collective communities, and there is room for all of us! None of our issues will be held back or harmed by supporting the issues of others in this community. Sure, some of what we are fighting for might differ at times, but we all want much of the same as well, namely, equality and respect and the freedom to live our individual truths without being told we must follow a checklist on how to "be".
There is this myth that Transmen are "recruiting" from the Butch community and that is so untrue. At least it isn't true for the majority of the Trans community. For me, personally, I respect, admire, and applaud the strong Butch women I have known in my life! Lately, I have been thinking a lot about a particular woman named Dot Thompson. I met Dot when I was 19 years old, and sneaking into bars to be around the community, as well as to satisfy my fascination for Drag Queens. Dot was in her early 50s at the time, and she took a liking to me, and kind of took me under her wing. I hadn't started transition then - didn't even have the language for it. I was trying to fit in the best I could, and at that time, I threw myself into the Lesbian community in Houston, and into the activism. Dot and her partner, Jeanette were like my second parents. I always admired the fact that they had been together since their late 20s. Dot was larger than life, in her double knit, perfectly creased Levi's dress slacks, her pointy toe cowboy boots, and men's short sleeved dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up, and her silver hair cut very short and slicked back. I thought she was the coolest person I had ever seen. She would sit with me and tell me stories about coming out in the 50s, and how the world was so different then, and how hard it was to be an out and proud Butch back then. I thought she was so brave and so fierce. She showed me pictures of her in her 20s, in her jeans and t shirts, leaning on an old motorcycle with that same slicked back hair, only it was black as night then, but in her pictures she had that same strong face, and a devilish look in her eyes. She was young and proud and oh so Butch. Her parents didn't accept her, and she was out on her own by the age of 17. She told me about how she made her own way in life, and that even though it made life harder, how she refused to hide who she was. How could you not admire a woman like that? She was a true pioneer. I hung out at Dot and Jeanette's house every chance I got. Jeanette was the best cook, and I would sit back and marvel at how they were with one another, just like any other married couple. It blew my mind really. They were so different than what I had seen in bars at that point. They were so... normal. When I bought my first motorcycle at the age of 20, a Yamaha Virago 750... I didn't ask my Dad to help me learn to ride, I immediately called Dot. She worked with me for a couple of weekends and then when I felt brave enough that I wanted to ride it the 25 or so miles back to Houston from their house, and all the way to the other side of Houston, she said no. She refused to let me take off on it, I argued, and she scolded the hell out of me then told me to help load it up in her truck. She drove me home and unloaded my bike. I asked Dot for advice on everything from bikes, to cars, to women - and she always had the best advice. She and Jeanette volunteered with an organization called the Royal, Sovereign Imperial Court of the Single Star (RSICSS), they raised money for different charities, a lot of AIDS organizations at the time. So I started hanging out at their shows and fell in love with the whole scene. They put on a lot of drag shows, and I was amazed by the Drag Queens I met through them. Everyone would get all dressed to the nines and have these big formal balls and Coronations. It was so fantastical to me then. And Dot... she would wear these sharp ass tuxedos, and Jeanette would wear beautiful ball gowns, and they looked so regal to me. Those were some good times...

I made the decision to transition in about 1997, and just prior to that I went to see my old friend Dot, who was in her 60s and starting to experience failing health. I hadn't seen her regularly for a few years, as she and Jeanette weren't going out much anymore. I just wanted to be in her presence again, and share what I had been up to and catch up. I was sad to see my strong, fierce Butch role model looking old and tired. We talked, drank sweet tea, talked some more, and looked at pictures and reminisced about all the balls and Coronations and Drag Shows. I told her that day, that she was my Hero and that she had taught me so much. She told me I was like the son she never had. I hadn't even told her that I wanted to transition. When I did tell her, she replied, "I know."  That was the last time I saw or spoke to Dot. On a trip back to Houston a year or two later, I saw Jeanette in a bar I used to frequent, sitting on a barstool so drunk she could barely recognize me. I was so sad. I immediately asked where Dot was, excited, and hoping to see her too. Jeanette told me that Dot was at home with her nurse, and that she wasn't the same Dot anymore and probably wouldn't know who I was. I don't really know what Dot's health issues were - I assumed some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's. I may never know... and I guess I don't need to, because I knew Dot as she would want to be remembered. Strong and fierce. I found out recently that Dot & Jeanette are no longer with us. I am sad, but proud to have been part of their lives.

So what's my point? Well, my point is that I had a wonderful Butch role model in my young adulthood. I knew that there weren't limits on how I was allowed to look, and be, as a woman. The only problem was that I wasn't. I wanted very much to be like Dot for years. I came out as Butch, and tried so, so hard to be cool like her. But I never felt like me. I knew from the time I was very young that I was looking at the world through a boy's eyes. I wanted so bad to fit in with this amazing community I was a part of. But I always felt like an outsider looking in. I was a man in costume as a Butch, walking in a world I felt a connection to, but couldn't find representation in. I didn't transition to leave the Butch community or because I was getting some message that I was "too" masculine or too Butch. I transitioned so that when I looked in the mirror, I would finally see me looking  back. I don't want young, proud Butch women to transition because they feel like they're not fitting a stereotype, because they're too masculine or too over the top in their presentation. I don't want to see strong, fierce Butches disappear. I see Dot in the strong, proud faces of the Butches I meet. I think about how proud she would be to see how far her community has come. I think about Butch Voices, and how amazed Dot would be at the way her community has come together and how far the love and pride has spread. I am not alone in saying that Butches have carved out a wonderful space in this world, and that they deserve our utmost respect and admiration. Dot embraced all the beautiful, diverse representatives of our community. She never hated or excluded anyone, myself included. She would be sad to see any one of us trying to silence another. It makes me sad, because we all play an important part in history. We can all work together to change society. Unrealistic? Nah. The world has changed a lot already, it is changing every day. Marriage equality is going to happen, we have two openly Trans judges, openly gay representatives throughout our government and in the media, it's changing.... it WILL get better... but we can't do it through hate and division and exclusion in our own community

I've heard people ask, "why would someone want to transition and be a straight man, and still be a part of the GLBTQIA community anyway?" I've been told that there is no place in the community for us. Well I can only speak for myself, but I spent a decade IN the community. I have many friends and people I love in the Lesbian community especially. I did the work, I fought for the cause, I marched, I protested, I participated. I am also not, and will never be, a bio-male. I am part of the Queer community. I am a Transsexual man married to a fierce feminist woman who's just a tad more butch than femme, who identifies as Queer - it doesn't get any Queerer than that :-)

7/25/2011 Edited to add a picture I found of Dot! Here she is, circa 1995 :)

A good 'ol talk with Joe

Yesterday was a great day! We didn't really do much except chillax at home with the kids, but it was just one of those days that was great from start to finish. One of the highlights of my day was a phone call from an old friend who I haven't talked to in AGES! I had reached out to Joe, because I have always thought of Joe as a hella smart cat, and with all his contacts and work in the Butch community, I knew he could help me resolve my feelings surrounding the Butch/Trans divide and boy did he ever! I got some great ideas from him, and just feel better all the way around, about the blog I was wasting my time at, how to move forward, and focus on the fact that the Trans haters in the community are NOT the majority. So anyway, THANK YOU JOE for letting me bounce things off you.
I'm going to spend my time working on our awesome Trans community online as well as networking with it 'offline' - and doing the panels locally and helping raise awareness and educate people wherever I can.
And in honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance, I'd like to share this link to honor those who've lost their lives due to hate.

http://gender.org/remember/

Discrimination From Within The GLBTQIA Community

One thing that the GLBT community is really quick to do, is point out prejudice and discrimination aimed at them by society. But dig a little deeper and chances are you'll find that some of these same individuals fighting prejudice and judgement directed at them, aren't quite the examples of tolerance and acceptance that you'd think they would be.

The rainbow flag that many of us proudly wear represents the diversity in this community, the many different people and stories and backgrounds, all in the same fight for acceptance and equality. To treat any other group in our community with hatred and prejudice, when we're all fighting for equality, is absolutely reprehensible. There is so much to gain from uniting and respecting one another and building each other up, and so much to lose by tossing our humanity and tolerance out the window and behaving in the same manner as those members of society who hate the GLBT community.

Wake up people...

A Call to The Trans Community & Supporters

I tell myself all the time to just stop going and reading dirt's blog. I'm a very positive person and try to keep unnecessary negativity out of my life. For awhile, I did think that was necessary negativity because it allowed me an opportunity to reach out and attempt to educate people - but I also realized that the author doesn't want to be educated, nor does her audience. She truly does just like to stir the pot and create drama, in my opinion, to bring attention to herself. Bad attention is better than no attention, right?

The thing is - she has a right to her [warped] opinion. I believe in free speech, even when it's bad. I am 100% against censoring other people's opinions - even if they're ignorant. I would stand up for her right to speak her mind in her blog. Because I don't want to be told what I can/can't say in my own. If it angers you to the point that you're making negative comments back to her, you need to STAY AWAY, and stop commenting. She's using your comments as fuel for more ridicule and hate speech. And make no mistake, she WANTS the comments, she desires the attention and the drama. Let her and her fans be. Without our participation, she is just preaching to the choir. We are a proud, strong community of survivors and we aren't going anywhere! Her ignorance doesn't affect us if we don't allow it to. So please, stay away from there and stop exposing yourselves to the negativity. And if you must go read (I too, am guilty of the train wreck mentality), don't let yourself get sucked into the comment stream.

More Rampant Transphobia

So for a few days I humored myself, thinking that adding my voice to the mix over at dirtywhiteboi67's hateful, trans bashing blog might make a difference. There was actually some semi-constructive dialogue between myself and  the author. Then this morning, I happened to check things out and found the following post by the author. This hate monger is actually "educating" parents of children who have asked for help because they are dealing with gender identity issues, and turning those parents against their own children. My mind tells me to just never go back there and read, and to just leave it alone... but my heart tells me that this is leading up to some young person out there in a sea of hatred with no life boat because people like this are poisoning the minds of ignorant parents. Following first is the original post, then my comment on the post:

"Actually there is no real proof (other than the say so of "trans" themselves-highly unreliable) that trans isnt anything more than a disorder. There is also no proof that the current barbarism called "treatment" cures trans issues long term. Trans folks like any drug addict will say whatever they believe they have to to maintain a trans lifestyle. We've already seen several parents who because of those post realized what was going on with their daughters and this trans trend and quickly nipped the issue in the bud. 
Several girls lives have been saved merely by passing along visual info already made public. Seems the visual effects is what works best and I've already had quite a few emails asking me to use more visual stimuli to make points. "

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Hate Sucks said: Ok... I did my part. I tried to participate in an open minded, educated discussion - in hopes that the hate mongering and mis-information would stop and we could find some middle ground. But it's pointless to try when the very author of the blog continues to lead the witch hunt, and deny the authenticity of an entire community of people. It's laughable that a few days ago, I believed maybe we were making some headway.

Who are YOU to tell ME that I am not authentic in who I am?? And to refer to us as drug addicts... I don't even take T regularly anymore. I know a lot of post-op transMEN who no longer take T once the desired changes occur. 
And yes - it's a disorder. I won't argue that fact - it's a disorder I was born with, that has an effective treatment. I realize you want to make success stories like mine invisible, but they DO exist. You're sensationalizing the bad examples you come across and mis-informing your readers by telling them that these examples represent the entire trans experience. It's typical hate mongering - much like a great deal of heterosexuals who claim gays and lesbians are child molesters and spreading AIDS all over the world. Or like the people who claim Butches are wannabe men. Or Fred Phelps claiming that AIDS and 9/11 and dead soldiers are God's punishment for homosexuality. You're behaving the same way.

You can empower and support young women a lot more effectively by using real facts and sharing your own personal story without your false judgments and hate speech. You talk about the parents who have written to you, and have refused to consider the fact that they may actually have a trans child - because whether you like it or not, transsexuality DOES exist and CAN be effectively treated - and now if one of those kids actually were trans, you have succeeded in turning their parents against them leaving them alone and without help. Assuming one of those kids actually were trans, they are 55% more likely to commit suicide than any other group. According to both the American Medical Association and the The World Profession for Transgender Health, 
"Gender Identity Disorder (GID) is a serious medical condition recognized as such in both the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Medical Disorders 4th Edition (DSM-IV) and the International Classification of Diseases (10th Revision); and is characterized in the DSM-IV as a persistent discomfort with one's assigned sex and with one's primary and secondary sex characteristics, which causes intense emotional pain and suffering; and GID, if left untreated, can result in clinically significant psychological distress, dysfunction, debilitating depression and, for some people without access to appropriate medical care and treatment, suicidality and death"
Apparently, you have somehow attained some knowledge that these organizations of medical professionals have not... and have found some sort of "proof" that GID is not real. Can you back your theories up with medical and/or psychological research/studies? A medical degree? No... your opinion is based on perceived proofs that are unfounded in any resemblance of truth, and in hatred towards something you clearly don't understand, nor care to. So should one of those kids actually be trans... and have their support system yanked out from under them because of you and people like you - then their blood is on YOUR hands. But that's your karma to live with I suppose.
I realized this morning that you and your faithful sheep aren't open to the truth, and don't care about stepping on other peoples truths to promote your own skewed point of view, so sharing my voice here is truly a waste of time. Sad really... but I'll keep letting people know the truth as I am living it, and let young people know that there is help out there and that they are not invisible just because you say they are. 
I leave you with this... you get what you put out. It's the law of attraction. You want to be accepted by society, you want to be visible, you want equality. You won't ever get those things by spewing hatred and judgement towards others.

I suppose I can use my fortitude and refrain from going to that blog... maybe. But I am committing myself to this fight, I will continue my panel work at Universities, I will attend every function I can and share my message and my personal story, I will do whatever I can in this world to fight for equality and respect. I am not a mistake, I am not invisible. I am living proof that not only does transsexuality exist, it can be corrected, and people do live full, rich, happy lives after transition.